Donna's Therapy Blog

Posture metaphors and Handstand

2011-11-15T20:46:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite metaphors that many yoga teachers offer during Warrior 2 relates to not only obtaining balance through good alignment in the posture, but likening that balance to how we position ourselves in our lives. So, if you can picture warrior 2: front leg with your knee offering a right angle between the thigh and calf, thigh bone parallel to the earth, back leg with the pinky toe side of your foot offering your anchor into the mat; head, neck, and torso perpendicular to the horizon, creating a plum line from the crown of your head down through your groins dropping into a spot just about equidistant between your feet. Arms are at shoulder height spread out with the front arm in line with the front leg, back arm in line with your back leg. Warrior’s gaze is forward, looking out over the front arm, while your torso is in the side plane of your body. Hmmmm…. I should figure out how to import a drawing of it. It sounds much more complicated than it is. Warrior two is a very solid stable posture. The language that I love that teachers use refers to the back leg representing our past, and all that is behind us, our memories, all of what we carry with us, good and bad; it brings us to where we are today. The front leg represents where we are heading, our goals, the future. And the torso, where the balance of the posture is kept is the immediate present moment. The dynamic of this posture is held by the solidity of the core, being totally present while at the same time there is no escaping the attention that must be given to past and future, because the stance holds it’s foundational footing in both of these, while the core reminds us that to be balanced, we must keep our core, our center, focused and centered, very present. It is a beautiful metaphor. Especially as a teacher, as you bring your gaze around to a room full of yogis and yoginis taking the posture, and observe how people find their “balance” in various gestures of imbalance. Understanding the metaphor, and watching people leaning into their past or future, I get a tender feeling, that I am in a room full of sacred beings mindfully accessing themselves. Watching a class as each of the participants focuses and draws themselves into the posture, witnessing the introspection as it finds it’s perfectly imperfect solid stance, holding sacred lives in the balance is extraordinary and humbling.

What does all of this have to do with handstand? Handstand is one of my challenge postures. It frequently feels like I have a love hate relationship with it. Though, I will generally speak of handstand very fondly. And yet, as I think of the Warrior 2 metaphor, I begin to have an even deeper appreciation of why handstand offers the challenge that it does. There’s no back leg or arm, no front leg or arm, just straight up pure and solid. And, Upside down. And then we balance on what? The smallest flat surface available…. our hands! All yoga postures bring us to challenge by finding balance through some combination of strength and flexibility. If there is not enough flexibility, the necessary alignment in order to create balance will not be found. If there is not enough strength, we will not be able to hold or sustain our balance in the posture. So yes, even handstand which is a very powerful posture requiring a lot of strength, must keep it’s delicate balance through a stance of being totally present in the here and now. The power of understanding that and the contrast that handstand offers in comparison to any of the warrior postures has been very striking to me recently. So when I take the three elements that are required to achieve a posture: balance, strength, and flexibility, and then I humbly observe myself as I fumble intermittently with something that I know I basically have what it takes to kick myself up into (at a wall mind you, you will not see me doing handstand in the middle of a room without another human being spotting me in this life time!) again, I witness myself and draw the metaphor into my present life, and realize: Yes, I should be practicing a little more deeply, and a little more diligently. The ah-ha comes however, from realizing, that despite the growth I have achieved over the years in my practice, I can still easily slip out of being able to access a posture that I know is a lot stronger than what it was the first time I kicked up into it. And, it doesn’t have anything to do with how strong or how flexible I am. It has everything to do with my getting purely balanced and keeping my focus present. Maybe, just maybe if I brought some more due diligence to meditation, I would have the presence needed to balance the strength and flexibility that I know are available to me.

Donna

Preferences, No?

2011-09-26T21:43:00.001-05:00

Those of us who live and wander in the yoga world, I think sometimes get so full of ourselves that we begin to think that we should or could actually become enlightened! We go to yoga class regularly, have our own home practice, meditate, never judge other people or ourselves, and we have no preferences. Ok, Ok, maybe I sound a little full of myself right now. But seriously, what would it be to have no preferences, or to be an enlightened being? No preferences, quite possibly is offered as a direction rather than something to actually achieve. However, even as a direction, it is so unattainable, it seems that it may serve us better as a reminder that we live here on this physical plane in material form so that we can learn something about how to live an earthly life with ego and personality actually intact, from the place of our individual differences. Balance, everything always comes back to Balance. Those beautiful yoga poses that challenge, always seem to throw us off balance, reminding us that that is the reason we found our way to a yoga studio in the first place. A life skillfully lived finds the balance between resisting the temptations the ego dangles in front of us while, allowing all of our very unique imperfections. It is when we can offer ourselves the truth of temptations, imperfections, and yes, even our desire to judge; see these, embrace them, and not feel threatened by them that the balancing act, on and off the mat becomes so much more attainable. When we awaken to the truth of what makes and creates us the mortal imperfect beings that we are, it is then that the desperate need to control falls back, and we can enjoy a life floating from one balancing act to another from a stance of easeful contentment, even if we sometimes trip and fall. Donna

Update to my last post

2011-09-05T10:17:00.003-05:00

The memorial concert of Mozart's Requiem, after having to get picked up off the floor heroically by our director, Chuck Schneider, is still happening, but with a change or two due to the financial distresses of the times: Instead of taking place at the historic Stanley Theater in Utica, NY, it will now be taking place at the historic Grace Church, also in Downtown Utica, NY. Grace Church is equally as beautiful, but not nearly as large, so arrive early to guarantee yourself seating! Also, the time has been moved up to 3:00 PM, on Sunday September 11, not 4:30, as posted below. And, instead of being accompanied by Chuck's select orchestra from the various local orchestra's in upstate NY, we will now be accompanied by renowned pianist, Andrew Russo, also an incredibly talented musician from the Central New York area. We have down scaled and down sized, but it will still be a beautiful event worth your while. Please Come!!
Donna

A couple of Announcements

2011-07-18T09:14:00.004-05:00

KIRTAN! In my home yoga studio on Saturday July 30th 7:30 PM with Michelle Angel. I understand that part of what she will bring to this event will be a trio of large gongs to create a "gong bath"!! If you find yourself in the greater Syracuse area, and are interested in attending, contact me and I'll help you get there. You can go to my web page at www.changeinmotionhealingarts.com to contact me.

Laughter Yoga: I am now leading the 8:00 laughter yoga line at 8:00 AM Eastern Time on Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday mornings, while Rebecca Foster takes a smiling breather from doing this every single day for something well over 2 years. If you would like to laugh with me dial into the line at: 712-432-3900; when prompted touch in: 6071292# If you want to laugh at other than 8:00 in the morning, you can dial into this line every single day at the top of 14 out of 24 hours every day and laugh with lots of different laughter leaders for anywhere from 12-20 minutes: Go to www.laughteryogaamerica.com for more information.

9-11 10th year Anniversary Memorial concert at the Stanley Theater in Utica, NY on Sunday September 11, at 4:30 PM, under the direction of Charles Schneider. We will be singing Mozart's Requiem. Several choral groups from the greater Utica area are joining voices for this event. You will see me in the alto section standing (singing!) with my mother and my aunt!!

Donna

Lessons in Buying a Used Car!

2011-07-07T07:39:00.001-05:00

A lot of energy has been spent in the last month or more in finding and acquiring a used car for my daughter, who has been living in Africa for the last six months. She will be coming back State side soon, about to enter graduate school at Cornell. Ithaca is a very cool small city, that caters well to it’s large college population, but is still enough of a small city, that having a car will be quite useful for little things, like finding ones way down the hill to the other side of town to shop at the “Green Star”, local food co-op, and making the hour long trip home every now and again.

Many lessons learned in the process of purchasing this car. First and foremost, just because the car sales man who happens to be representing a private seller, isn’t selling the car through his dealership, doesn’t mean he isn’t still basically a car sales man. Second: If you are going to buy a car long distance, make sure that the third party mechanic you hire sees the car a minimum of two weeks before you fly so that you won’t be stuck with a non-refundable plane ticket the day before you travel to pick up the car! Third: Remember the first lesson, and don’t be fooled into thinking that guy that is still basically a car sales man is a nice guy just because he has a friendly sounding, almost southern drawl. Fourth: Recognize that even if you get a good deal, which is difficult to truly do when you are buying a used car, NY State will make sure to worsen the deal when you go to register the car and end up paying an additional 8% to NY State in sales tax! Can’t touch all the corporate and wealthy America tax breaks and loop-holes, but let’s tax everyone who finds themselves buying a used car; at 8%. Fifth: If you happen to find yourself in the Dept. of Motor Vehicles on the Tuesday after a long holiday weekend to register your used car, bring a small novel to read, and expect to finish it!

All’s well that ends well. It is a nice little Gulf TDI, a perfect grad student car. And will blend well with all the throw back hippies still living in Ithaca!

Donna

Justine's Version

2011-05-26T16:23:00.001-05:00

More descriptive, and with a couple of pictures thrown in.... definitely worth the read.

afrikavocado.wordpress.com

Dakar, and then Home!

2011-05-25T17:53:00.002-05:00

We got home at about 3:00AM on Tuesday, just yesterday that is! To conclude the rest of what we did: As predicted we ate good Palestinian family cooking, and were entertained by the family for the duration of the last 2-3 days in Amman. Then, on the evening of the 17^th we flew to Dakar, Senegal, arriving on Wednesday afternoon, the 18^th, meeting up with Justine (older daughter), who flew into Dakar from Bamako, Mali, arriving about 30 minutes after we did.

Justine served as our tour guide in Dakar, and thank goodness, because her French is basically fluent, and if you do not speak French or the native Wolof, you will mostly not be understood. Dakar was my first Africa experience, and it was quite an eye opener. I have traveled in the Middle East a handful of times in my life, both as a child and as an adult, so I am not unfamiliar with what it means to stand out and look like an American tourist, or what it is like to speak to someone who speaks broken English, and then feel stupid for expecting the native of another country to understand my imperialist language, or what it means to go to an open air market, and have the vendors pester you until you pay attention to them, and hassle over the price until you feel both ripped off, and again like an ugly American for not just letting them get the excessive price they were asking for….. After all as a basically middle class American, I have far more privilege and access than the average flea market (“Souk” in the Middle East) vendors; their goods, even at a somewhat inflated price, are still lots cheaper than I could get them for in the States, and so what if I overpay. I am visiting briefly, and if I can boost their economy even just a tiny bit, maybe that is a good thing; my small tourists gifts at inflated prices are not going to break my bank. Excess baggage fees are much more likely to do that, and you won’t see me, or anyone else, haggling over those! All of these experiences that I have had many times before were true again in Africa, the difference being that it was all many times more intense.

Instead of being only mostly obvious as an American tourist, and sometimes being able to blend in because I basically look like an Arab, until I don’t dress or speak like an Arab; in Senegal we stuck out like sore thumbs. Instead of being able to count on someone speaking the Western language that I speak, I had to either fumble with 30+ years old bad high school French, or hope that they might speak better English than my bad French, or (what was usually the case) count on Justine to translate or just speak for us. Instead of the vendors being a little pushy, they were persistent in a way that you cannot even imagine. As we were walking along the street at any given time, someone who has something to sell, which seemed to be almost everyone, would begin to walk next to us, and then speak to us, telling us that they had something for a good price, and would hold whatever it is that they are selling in front of our path, making it very difficult to ignore them. If you were to try to ignore them, they keep speaking, and walking along side or in front of you. If you continue to ignore them, they might try speaking to you in English (generally they would try French first); they might go back and forth between their good French, and broken English. If you begin to speak to them to tell them you are not interested, they then know that they have your attention, and have won round one. Now they begin to tell you that what ever it is they are selling is beautiful, is a good price, etc. Please come to my shop. Over and over, I was truly impressed. Despite themselves, the street vendors, as unrelenting and pushy as they were, were generally very friendly and likeable, making it that much harder to ignore them.

There is more to Dakar, however, than just pushy street vendors. Again, as we did everywhere on this trip, we ate very well, including a meal offered at the home of Justine’s Senegalese family from her college study abroad experience. We took in some historical sites, found our way to 3 different beeches, and to the open market (as opposed the random street vendors, sprinkled throughout the streets), and enjoyed breathing in the colors of Senegal. Indeed the colors of Senegal are truly spectacular. I bought a post card or two that showed off the colors, but it was not difficult to take a picture at any given moment and create a spontaneous post card. Wherever we went where there might have been a crowd of people, the show of color was always bright, vibrant, and truly beautiful. The cloth that is used for clothing for anyone, anytime, dressing up or not, is always vibrant, bold, and colorful. Senegal was truly breathtaking. We took in the tiniest taste of a tiny slice of this very grand continent. I hope to be blessed with more African adventures before I get too old to want to deal anymore with airports and airlines!

Donna

Jordan

2011-05-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

Had a beautiful three days in Turkey with Ruth, especially because the sun decided to come out in time for her portion of my stay.

We are now in Jordan. Arrived in Amman Monday evening, and we are now deeply appreciating the hospitality of the family. It is a true luxury to be fed, housed and toured by family who live here and can offer a very significant safety net. We are in Aqaba today, a beautiful port city in the very southern tip of Jordan on the Red Sea. A full day of sun and salt water today, and tomorrow we will drive to Wadi Rum.

Wadi Rum is a section of desert in Jordan surrounded by rocky mountains, a favorite destination for nature lovers and geologists! The last couple of days in Jordan will be spent being entertained and dined in the homes of several different family members. A very serious treat to indulge in the family cooking and generosity. It is a dining experience that is truly not to be matched anywhere.

Our hotel in Aqaba.

Donna

Ruth arrives today!

2011-05-06T09:04:00.002-05:00

I'm definitely ready to have a partner to help me stumble along in this big city where I don't speak the language. I keep wishing that the few words I know in Arabic would be helpful, but even that is very minimal. It keeps occurring to me that there are some basic questions that I would know how to ask in Arabic, but if someone tried to answer them for me I would not understand their answer!! This is when I join my children in feeling the deep frustration that the language was not passed on from father/grandfather.

Noon: Blue Mosque, the interior anyhow, still awaits. Arrived, yet again in time for prayers. And just in time also to see swarms of children lined up to go inside and pray! Oh that I could go in to observe the faithful, young and old!

Almost 3:30 now. Had light "mezze" for lunch, which is decidedly different from mezze in a Lebanese or Palestinian restaurant. The difference being more in presentation. In Arabic style, you would likely get a very large spread of a variety of different appetizers, lots of pocket bread to dip into and serve them with, and maybe an olive condiment plate to go with it. Yesterday and today when I ordered mezze it came on a single plate with cucumbers tomatoes and carrots underneath a circle of about 4 different dips, a couple of cheeses, and a small basket of white bread that was nothing to write home about. The dips and veggies were good, but the whole thing was pretty understated compared to how I have come to think of mezze.

And then I proceeded to the Blue Mosque, which was anything but understated!! These pictures of the Blue Mosque via Google images are much better than the ones I can take.

Now I wait for a little leas than an hour to pass, and my ride will take me to the airport to pick up my daughter Ruth, and then take us to a different hotel, not so far from this one. Depending on how tired she is we may go out for dinner with a roof top view that is supposed to be about the best in the city, along with some Turkish dancing entertainment.

Donna

Today's meandering

2011-05-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I never got to the blue mosque yesterday, but discovered that it is literally about a 5 minute walk from my hotel. So, as I strolled in the rain in the direction of the Blue Mosque, I discovered crowds of tourist looking people getting in line, and a sign for "Basilica Cistern", so I stood in line, slightly protected from the rain, then headed inside to see this most unusual underground Basilica. Dark, damp, water, and beautiful columns. Lonely Planet tells that it was built by Justinian in 532. The feature to find in this underground relic are the carved heads of Medusa at the bottom of a couple of columns in one of the back corners of the cistern. Found them, read an interesting story about the myth of Medusa, and enjoyed seeing her carved head once upside down (my favorite!) and once sideways.

After the dark and damp of the cistern, I emerged, and stepped into the, too much like Syracuse damp of the outdoors, and promptly found a vendor who could sell me an umbrella. I continue my walk towards the Blue Mosque, and quickly make my first, and hopefully my last, single American woman traveling alone mistake. A man approaches me and begins to speak to me in broken English; I hesitantly reply, but don't shoo him off. Before all is said and done he has my first name, tells me the Blue Mosque is closed for prayers, and escorts me to the head of the line for the Aya Sophia museum, then tells me that maybe he will see me again, and leaves as I head into Aya Sophia. I think to myself, thankfully he's gone, and what is the likelihood of seeing this guy again??

I enter Aya Sophia, and literally spend a couple of hours drinking in the awe and beauty of the place. The ancient sacred art of Islam juxtaposed with Christian art offers an honest perspective on the history of peoples who share a common beginning. The holy building is grand with a very high domed ceiling with all kinds of beautiful mosaic. The walls, columns, and flooring are all marble. As I walk, I both crane my head to see what is above in the ceiling art, and I look down and sideways marveling at the sheer volume of incredibly beautiful marble. I enjoy playing with my camera, wondering if I will be able to capture the magnificence with my cameras eye. As I emerge from this "museum"/holy building, I realize that the sun has come out, and I have a skype text from Justine! At which point, I find a park bench and sit in the sun and chat from my iPhone in Istanbul with my daughter in Bamako, Mali, about my son who was in Syria, and who has now landed safely with family in Amman, Jordan! The wonders of technology!!

I then begin to head back to my hotel and low and behold creepy guy calls out to me, "Donna! Would you like to come into my shop?" At which point I do shoo the guy off. He is obviously agitated, tells me that I have "broken his heart" and says some awful thing about what will happen when I die. Like I say, inshah'allah (look it up in Wikipedia) I will not see this guy again, and lesson learned.

Off to the Grand Bazar, or possibly Istiklal Jedeci today, and Blue Mosque probably tomorrow.

Donna

Istanbul!

2011-05-04T10:07:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I arrived in Istanbul after an unexpected hiccup at the outset of my trip. I had purchased a ticket that would allow me to visit my son who has been studying Arabic in Aleppo, Syria since October, flying through Istanbul. Because he is leaving Syria early, due to recent events of the "Arab Spring", and there is no getting a refund on my ticket, I decided to take the first leg of my trip and vacation for a few days in Istanbul.

As I arrived in the Syracuse airport for my departure, I discovered that just getting off of an already existing itinerary without continuing to ones stated destination is much more complicated than I anticipated. My initiating flight had mechanical difficulties as well grounding me in the Syracuse airport the night I was supposed to be making my trans-Atlantic flight!

All that initial nonsense resolved itself, and I arrived yesterday afternoon in Istanbul, tired, but ready to begin my vacation. I enjoyed a lovely Turkish meal last night. Today I am hoping to get to the Blue Mosque, in between raindrops, and then to a Turkish bath!

Donna

What the World Needs Now...

2011-02-12T21:59:00.001-05:00

So often my theme seems to come back to something having to do with Love. Well, I guess as I am yet again pondering Love in our lives, my life, I am realizing that my timing couldn’t be better! It is a word that stirs up all kinds of feelings for most of us, and in an unacknowledged way is a word that many of us avoid, and are even afraid of. At the risk of coming off as too gender biased and political so close to Valentines Day, I will not go to the place of Love being feared because we have been so well trained to shun our more feminine side, and that from the time that boys can speak, one of the worst insults you could offer any boy would be to call him a girl, and it is the boys that grow up to become men that still have far more influence and power in shaping the world we live in. I will not go there. Sorry, I digress.

Love as an idea is generally exalted. However, when it comes right down to exercising those Love muscles, and speaking openly and frankly about what would be the most Loving way to handle any given situation, why do so many people recoil? I find myself coming to this topic because of a recent incident where I took a fall, and the person I was with had trouble offering me the appropriate care and concern in the moment. There is not a doubt in my mind that this person cared and was concerned, but (he) had trouble making an offering. The fall was hurtful. It hurt my ego; it scared me, though the physical insult was mild at worst, and then there was this added layer of my friend’s awkward clumsiness. In my efforts to be true to my most honest self, which is generally something I try very hard to honor, I decided to have the conversation about the awkward clumsiness of my friend, with him. The conversation was slightly more skillful than the fall incident, but it still felt withheld, guarded, and like maybe it was not such a safe place to go. The more I tried to get words of caring and concern to spill forth from his lips, the more he stayed in his safe place of, “Thank you for sharing what it was for you.” or, “I am sorry you did not feel my compassion, I thought I was…” etc. In the end, I indeed did feel his efforts, and in knowing the effort was there, and creating greater hurt for me was absolutely not his intention, all was better…. Somewhat. The somewhat comes, not from this specific incident, but from the realization that this issue is much bigger than my inconsequential fall.

I do understand that the difficulty that came from my fall incident has two parts. In most simplistic terms one part is my own sensitivity to not being well enough cared for by others; the second part is (likely) my friends difficulty in feeling either safe enough, or worthy enough to make the appropriate offering. Typically, these two parts will rule the situation, and end up developing into bigger and stronger parts for each person involved. Over time these “parts” more and more rule who we are and how we re-act to even the simplest of situations. So, my challenge to you, any fond reader of my Love muse this season of Valentines, is to explore the part of you that gets in the way of your being the truest expression of the Love that is all yours, all the time. Whether it is Valentines Day, or a Grumpy Monday, whether it is with your truest Love, or with a co-worker that you secretly cannot stand, challenge yourself to Love unabashedly! It really is what the world needs.

Love, Donna

Hibernating for the Holidays!

2011-01-03T10:58:00.003-05:00

Another Christmas season comes and, oh so quickly goes. We spend weeks, and sometimes months preparing, and are given 12 days to celebrate, and yet, well before we are even half way through the 12 days, many are already bringing their trees down, ready to dispose of all the Holiday trimmings. I am not one to make a big fuss about trimming the house in a major way for the holidays. Just ask my kids. We are lucky to get a tree up and decorated at all, and maybe a wreath, and that is about it. But the metaphor of the rush to trim, the rush to take down, and the busy-ness of the season seems an apt metaphor for the general eagerness of a culture that can’t quite figure out what it means to slow down.

This year winter came early in Central New York. We had barely gotten through the first week of December when a major snow storm whipped up, dumping more than 4 feet of snow in as many days. As a local in this the Snow Belt region, I was out there shoveling my way out and my clients’ way in every day, early in the morning, before the sun was fully up, making certain that life did not skip a beat on account of a silly thing like snow! Winter is upon us, the days are getting shorter, the nights are colder and longer; it is the beginning of the season that includes many hours of darkness. Bears, and other wise creatures who know that many hours of darkness means a suitable shift in their day to day living, begin months of hibernation. We, as intelligent humans who are innovative and able to problem solve, heat our homes, snow blow, plow, or shovel our driveways, and miss out on this wonderful opportunity to shift from a faster pace of living to something that more resembles hibernation.

As I was shoveling my driveway many times this December in the days before Solstice, I began to contemplate the irony of the act of shoveling, and the wisdom of the bear’s hibernation. Mother Nature is offering us this opportunity to hunker down, get snowed in, have short days and long sleeps, and we are madly shoveling so we can continue our busy lives. Not only are we continuing our busy lives, but we also need to hurry up and prepare for the Holidays!! And just as the calm and quiet of the shortest day of the year arrives the madness reaches it’s peak. Maybe we are ready, and if not we stay up long nights to make sure we are. And then to celebrate finally we have large gatherings and do the massive work of food preparation, table setting, and clean up that exhausts us while we “vacation” from the “work” that we are usually paid for and likely behind on.

Before I begin to sound like Scrooge, I will say that I love family gatherings and the opportunity to gift and make offerings to my loved ones as much as the next person. I cannot help however, but observe and marvel at the contrast that we create as we enter into natures’ season of slowing down that might otherwise give us an opportunity to turn inwards. I make a point of offering myself at least a few hours of quiet alone time during the holiday season; over the years I have come to deeply appreciate this part of my holiday. I sometimes fantasize about what the world would feel like if there were such a “Holiday” where many hours, or even days(!!) of quiet reflection were expected and placed on the world calendar with the same degree of importance as the consuming holidays that we are so accustomed to. I cannot help but think that this is something that could go a long way towards creating space for the healing our world so badly needs.

May the Peace of the season be with you and all of your Loved ones.

Happy New Year!

Donna

Black Friday Weekend

2010-11-27T13:30:00.000-05:00

Here we are on Black Friday weekend. The weekend that immediately follows the holiday of it’s antithesis, Thanksgiving. In my family, we spend Thanksgiving Day with as many family members as possible, maybe invite a friend or two who might not have family nearby with whom to share a feast, and we feast. We feast on food preparation, on being together, on stories, on working together to create a food feast, and eventually on food, more food than is generally reasonable for the numbers of people seated around our table. It is a holiday that we have all come to deeply appreciate and look forward to. We feel the loss if some of the usual participants are unable to find their way to this, our most celebrated family gathering and holiday. We have all come to understand that if we have to choose to try to make it to either Thanksgiving or Christmas, we’ll try harder for Thanksgiving! It is understood that giving thanks while joining for the mere sake of gathering and appreciating one another’s company, that setting table together and sharing in the festivities of appreciating our lives that have lovingly come together by some combination of chance and effort, is enough. We appreciate, we are grateful, we share, we feast; there is contentment.

It is my experience, in the limited world that I live in, that most people would agree with my family’s experience of Thanksgiving. The holiday of celebrating our simple abundances and the ability to break bread and carve turkey together is by far the most satisfying holiday of the year. And yet as a culture, society, and a nation, we have this phenomenon of “Black Friday”, the day that leads up to a weekend, and then a month of the most spending, shopping, and consuming of the entire year. For some reason, this year the juxtaposition of Black Friday being immediately after the day of celebrated gratitude struck me with a poignancy that I have not really appreciated quite like this before. Gratitude means: This is enough; I am happy and whole. Intense consumerism means: I need more; this is not enough, something is missing; spending money might make me happy and whole. We move from contentment to allowing ourselves to be goaded into spending, and usually spending well beyond our means. Why do we do this??

I suspect that the answer to this sad question lies somewhere in the depths of our truths that we don’t always share, either with ourselves or with our loved ones. We gather to commune, offer joy, thanks, and love to one another. And yet, somehow as we are expressing our thanks, voicing our gratitude, most of us still have this place of, “something’s missing”, that we can’t ever quite take care of. The market place understands this very well, and usually with a great deal of success steers us into opening up our wallets to help us find our wholeness through material gifting. It is when the marketers understand this deep hole inside of us better than we do, that we are the most vulnerable to their methods. This holiday, don’t fool yourself into believing that you are fully whole, and just need to go out of your way to overspend because it is fun and what you want to do! Take the time to understand that little something, somewhere near your heart, that needs nurturing, and challenge yourself to find ways to nurture it that won’t require you to go into deep debt!

With love and gratitude, here’s wishing you a deeply fulfilling holiday season!
Donna

Love's Courage

2010-10-18T21:35:00.001-05:00

I went to a meeting last weekend with a group of mostly family therapists who gather and call themselves Peaceful Warriors for Social Justice. The conversation came up at that meeting about love and courage. An attendee had a previous conversation with someone, who was not at the present meeting, who suggested that courage was more important than love because without it, what is even the point of love? The conversation that ensued was interesting, most of us feeling that the absent persons opinion was somewhat flawed. I, for one, don’t really see a big separation between the two concepts, but see courage as an important aspect of love, not something that I would want to pull out and call more important. If, however, you were to argue that courage is more important because, without it there is no point in love, I would argue that love is more important because, without it there is no need for courage! Yet, both arguments then end up being pretty circular, so let’s just say love is good, partly because it keeps us strong and courageous.

Love, we confirmed, is definitely an action verb, most of us agreeing that, as Peaceful Warriors we are called to some degree of activism in order to support and advocate for Social Justice. It was a refreshing meeting, spending extended time in the company of people comfortable talking about Love! Imagine a planet with large groups of people on all corners having hours long conversations during their weekends discussing the various aspects of love, courage, and activism towards social justice! Do you think we would be able to sustain as many wars if time off from work lead to meetings of people having such discussions and trying to figure out how to actively and courageously promote these things in the greater world??? Maybe, just maybe, we are on to something here!!
Donna

Nice Guys

2010-05-03T14:47:00.002-05:00

Whenever someone begins to proudly speak of a man that they know as a “nice guy”, internally I will raise an eyebrow and become a little concerned. What does that really mean, “nice guy”?? Frequently if you begin to poke around looking for more information, you will discover that “nice guy” is trying to mean, not a “jerk”, or “bad boy”, both of which most men are on the look out not to be, and many women are on the look out not to become involved with.

So, what does it really mean to be a “jerk” or “bad boy”? Most people can rattle off a long list of unpleasant characteristics or behaviour patterns that are familiar and consistent with these unfortunate men. They are self-centered, inconsiderate, losers, have big egos, poor judgment, bad tempers and anger issues that sometimes erupt into violence; they often try too hard to be “macho”, and the list could go on. The real issue however, is not so different from what shapes the men who offer themselves up as “nice guys”. The sad state of affairs in the society and culture that we live in is that men are very well trained to shut themselves off from their feelings and emotions. Classically, they are not supposed to ever cry, they are not supposed to be swayed by emotion, they are supposed to be, “strong”, in all the permutations of the meaning of that word. So, “nice guys” are “strong” in that they tune out from themselves and defer to everyone else around them. “Bad boys” or “jerks” are “strong” in that they too do so well in tuning out from their emotional selves that they are also tuned out from every one else and have lost all connection of what it means to be a human being with feelings and emotions. Nice guys or bad boys have different strategies, and yet their strategies both stem from the same root.

As I describe this, my heart sinks fearing that I will put off and deeply offend all those good guys who really do want to be “nice”. That is obviously not my intention. It is my wish to offer a more genuine approach to our humanity; whether you are man, woman, or anything in between. It is precisely in trying too hard to not have any emotion that gets both bad boys and nice guys into the same kind of trouble. This is possibly a long way around challenging what it really means to be nice. Too often people think they are being “nice” if they defer to someone else. Deferring may temporarily avoid a conflict or small dispute, but it is not always the most honest response that could be offered to a situation. Eventually it catches up with us showing up as consequences that, in the end, are not so nice. And, even if in any particular situation the ending does not turn out terribly, if you are trying to forge relationship with someone by not disclosing your truth, is that really the nicest way to offer yourself up? In many ways a nice guys deference is just the flip side of the behaviour of a “jerk” or bad boy”. The common denominator becomes the significant difficulty that prevents honest disclosure, in small and not such small situations. When emotions are squandered, unaccounted for, flattened, or denied, inevitably they will show up somewhere. Possibly as anger, resentment, or cut off from people; sometimes as illness; sometimes as acting out with poor, unskillful, and even violent behaviours; sometimes merely as confusion or a general feeling of discontent. So be careful of either creating yourself as too nice, or of encouraging others in your life to be “nice”. Better yet: rethink nice. Maybe it really is “nice” to risk a conflict in the name of honesty.

I would like to offer that this issue is not a purely gendered issue unique to men. There is a truth however, to the extent to which men are encouraged and well trained in denying themselves that creates a setting that encourages the very difficult pattern I have described here. This is a topic worthy of much greater space and of broad exploration.

Donna

Yoga On and Off the Mat

2010-02-16T00:28:00.002-05:00

In a recent yoga class the teacher invited those who “have their certificate” to take themselves up into a headstand. The “certificate” is his playful way of suggesting that he doesn’t want to be around for crashes, especially in a big class. Those who don’t have their certificate should find a modification, something leading up to or suggesting a headstand. So, on this particular day I was feeling rather daring, and actually took myself up, or almost up, both feet off the ground, second leg not quite all the way to perpendicular, without going over to my standard friendly wall spotter.

In conversation with a yogi friend, I expressed delight with myself over this accomplishment, and he offered that for him the headstand was, “more about fear than skill”. This got me to thinking about what it is beyond skill that gets in my way. I deeply understand that the postures I play with on my yoga mat, are about so much more than what I do on the mat, but follow me in my life off of the mat as well. So, in entertaining this conversation with others, I humbly acknowledged that for me what gets in the way of headstand, and many other things on and off the mat, is not skill, but a big dose of self-doubt as well as issues with “core strength”. Again, I re-visit the ways I get so deeply drawn to my yoga practice. It is such a safe and reassuring way to contradict my deepest personal struggles. If I have a fight with core strength out in the "real world", it is likely over something that will truly have a significant consequence, like figuring out how much to assert myself with a client, colleague, or family member. If I struggle with core strength on my mat, all I have to do is figure out that maybe the second leg will only make it part way up today, but Hey! I no longer need that wall prop I so depended on forever and ever. If that is the case, maybe, just maybe I can take my levels of self-doubt down a notch next time I am face to face in one of my more challenging relationships! And, I do find that the more I play with some of my doubts, fears, and other agitations on the mat, the more I can make the connections elsewhere. The rewards of practice follow me both on and off the mat.

Donna

Loving my New Years Resolutions:

2010-01-01T16:16:00.002-05:00

As I contemplate the New Year and the mini hype that I have observed some make about the New Decade, yet again I consider what I want for and from myself in the year ahead. Even as I sit down late in the day on the First of January, I can already begin beating myself up for being “late” in posting a New Years message. No more of that. No more kicking and getting down on myself. My New Years, yes New Decade Resolution is to fully and completely love myself, embrace all my flaws and weaknesses, offer myself all the best I can possibly give myself in my effort to take responsibility for peace in my small corner of the world. Yes Peace, not selfish indulgence, which is what it just might sound like to some.

Think about it for just a moment. If you can offer yourself complete and full loving, all those wonderful virtuous New Years Resolutions that sometimes sound punishing might just happen by default. After all, if you truly love yourself would you go out and ingest all kinds of fatty, sugary, and intoxicating substances into your precious body? Would you become lazy about offering yourself an appropriate exercise routine? Would you become sloppy and inefficient about getting your work done that you know is the source of your life’s income and sustenance? Would you deprive yourself of nurturance in the hopes that someone other than yourself might accept the role of being called upon to know you as well as or better than you do, and give that person responsibility for nurturing you to your complete satisfaction? Likely not. And, you likely would not make choices for yourself that were distasteful and felt tortuous to follow through with either.

So here is my invitation for you to offer yourself New Years Resolutions of Pure Love. Indulge yourself with as much love as you would offer your own child. As I think I have said before on this page, “You are your own first child.” If we all lived our lives loving ourselves with the same loving intention that we offer our children, I believe that the grown ups in the world would be a happier, more content, lot of people. Relationships would be easier. Instead of demanding that our partners and other loved ones in our lives fill all our needy, wounded, sad, grieving hearts, we would be given the latitude to do that for ourselves. From there we would come into relationship more whole and fully available to give, offer, and receive love from a more honest and accessible place. So, close your eyes for a moment, and offer yourself a fantasy of what the world would look like if everyone in it could offer to their self the very love that we spend our lives seeking from people places and things outside of ourselves. Picture the “Peace on Earth”, and “Good Will towards Man (and Woman!) Kind” that would ensue. Go ahead, it really is OK. Breathe into that fantasy, and now decide that you will do your part by offering yourself all the Love that is there, ready and waiting for you, accessible as soon as you say yes to yourself. May you look ahead to the year, decade, and many years and decades to come, with an abundance of love and hope for yourself and the world you live in!
Donna

2009-11-30T21:22:00.003-05:00

Yoga is consuming quite a bit of my life these days. I have embarked on another yoga teacher training program, very much in an effort to allow yoga to consume quite a bit of my life. It seems that Yoga as a path blends quite nicely with how I think about life, love, and my clients. So many people who do not spend their time and energy delving into the world of yoga think of it as an exercise of twisting your body into lots of fun and unobtainable postures. When indeed, it is truly so much more than that. The postures are important, and a useful tool, but in no way are they an end in themselves. The literal translation of the Sanskrit word, “Yoga” is union. It refers to the union of our small self with Ultimate Reality, the Oneness of all things. In practicing yoga, I am offering myself an opportunity to align myself well, not only in good bodily alignment, but also in my Life and in the practice of Love. Yoga understands that there is no real separation between our self and the rest of the Universe. If we can live and breathe this in our lives, I am quite certain that there would be fewer conflicts in the world, both on a personal level, and on a global level. I offer here a paragraph from a correspondence I recently sent to a yogi friend.

Choosing a yogic path means challenging some of our most primal fears.
I hope it means that we take a look at some of the masks that we put on, and dare to
question them.
I hope it means that we fight for Love, and don’t get caught in the confused place of our desires.
I hope it means that when we say Namaste*, we try to live Namaste.
I hope it means that we do our very best to Love ourselves with honesty and integrity, so that we can then be the Love that we want to be for more than just ourselves. Because we understand that there is really no separation between ourselves and anyone else.
When we reject someone, we reject our self. When we reject our self, we reject Love. It is a painful place from which to be conducting Life.

*Namaste: The light within me sees and honors the light within you. ie: From my humble self, I can see and honor you. Despite our differences, we are essentially the same.

I share this because of the universality of the struggle I see people having in love and relationships. We so easily reject in a confused effort to protect ourselves from whatever it is that we are afraid of. Yet, in our rejections we separate ourselves from the world and create isolation, loneliness, misunderstandings, and quite a few other problems for ourselves.
Donna

A Toast to Passion!

2009-09-23T10:36:00.002-05:00

It has been a summer of weddings, kids gatherings, and even a moment or two to find some vacation time. As fall is now a couple of days into it’s season, and we are still getting some beautiful sunny days with temperatures hitting the 70’s, I am reminded that though the season may still feel like summers end, time has a way of marching on, and no doubt falling leaves will beckon their raking before long.

I always feel it when I go many weeks, and yes even months between my postings on this page. This time I knew that as summer was winding down, I would have much to reflect upon to bring this page back to life. First, it has been many many years since I have been to a wedding, and this summer, all of a sudden I had three to go to. And, at two of these festive occasions, my daughter attended the bride. Next to a birth or a death, witnessing the wedding of someone in the generation below you is a pretty serious reminder that those numbers that keep adding up from the date of your birth do mean something. Last year it was 50. This year it is 50 plus 3 weddings. Oh, that’s what happens when mom turns the half-century marker!

While socializing with a friend of my niece-turn-bride during her wedding weekend, it came up in conversation that I am a marriage and family therapist, at which point this young woman wanted to know if I had offered my niece and her groom any advice. From that conversation I decided that it would be a nice opportunity for this aunt to offer some sweet loving light hearted advice with a toast at the party.

So here is my toast to Passion, which I now offer to all who wish for the same hope that newlyweds have on their first night of wedded bliss:

The gist of it is this- Don't be afraid of your passion. You come together because of passion, and inevitably there will be conflict. The things that make you different are what draw you passionately together, and those very same things inevitably will also create conflict in your relationship. Don't be afraid of the conflict. When you get through it, it will help you to understand each other better, and bring you closer together. Don’t believe the myth about never going to bed angry. Anger happens. In general, however, it is never really about the "other" who triggers it, but comes about when all of our old “stuff” triggers or scares us. When you do go to bed angry, and find yourself twisting and turning, muttering to yourself, pointing a symbolic finger of anger at your partner, just remember, that this is a very good time to become self-reflective, and an opportunity to develop a better understanding of your own triggers and fears. There will be conflict in your relationship, and nights that you go to bed angry. Just make sure that you recognize these events as part of your passion. Celebrate your differences. Passionately. Know that it is passion that brought you together; it will get you through to the other side of your conflicts, and it will keep you together over the long haul.

A toast to many many years of tenderness, love, and just the right amount of Passion to seal the bond!!

Donna

Rumi on Love

2009-06-26T19:52:00.002-05:00

All selections from: Shambhala Pocket Classics
"The Pocket Rumi"
Edited by Kabir Helminski; copyright 2001

Enjoy!!
Donna

A New Rule

It is the rule with drunkards to fall upon each other,
to quarrel, become violent, and make a scene.
The lover is even worse than a drunkard.
I will tell you what love is: to enter a mine of gold.
And what is that gold?

The lover is a king above all kings,
unafraid of death,
not at all interested in a golden crown.
The dervish has a pearl concealed
under his patched cloak.
Why should he go begging door to door?

Last night that moon came along,
drunk dropping clothes in the street.
“Get up,” I told my heart,
“Give the soul a glass of wine.
The moment has come
to join the nightingale in the garden,
to taste sugar with the soul-parrot.”

I have fallen with my heart shattered—
where else but on your path, and I
broke your bowl, drunk, my idol, so drunk
don’t let me be harmed, take my hand.

A new rule, a new law has been born:
break all the glasses and draw near to the glassblower.

The War Inside

Rest your cheek, for a moment,
on this drunken cheek.
Let me forget the war and cruelty inside myself.
I hold these silver coins in my hand;
give me your wine of golden light.
You have opened the seven doors of heaven;
now lay your hand generously on my tightened heart.
All I have to offer is this illusion, my self.
Give it a nickname at least that is real.
Only you can restore what you have broken;
help my broken head.
I’m not asking for some sweet pistachio candy,
but your everlasting love.
Fifty times I’ve said,
“Heart, stop hunting and step into this net.”

Search the Darkness

Sit with your friends; don’t go back to sleep.
Don’t sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.

Surge like an ocean,
don’t scatter yourself like a storm.

Life’s waters flow from darkness.
Search the darkness, don’t run from it.

Night travelers are full of light, and you are, too;
don’t leave this companionship.

Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish,
don’t slip into the dirt like quicksilver.

The moon appears for night travelers,
be watchful when the moon is full.

Be Love’s Willing Slave

Come and be Love’s willing slave,
for Love’s slavery will save you.
Forsake the slavery of this world
and take up Love’s sweet service.
The free, the world enslaves,
but to slaves Love grants freedom.
I crave release from this world
like a bird from it’s egg;
free me from this shell that clings.
As from the grave, grant me new life.
O Love, O quail in the free fields of spring,
wildly sing songs of joy.

Coming Home

2009-06-16T20:50:00.003-05:00

Spring of ’09 has felt like a season of “Coming Home”.

After a winter of preparing for my third move in as many years, March and April were consumed with moving, and bringing final closure to my and my childrens' lives in a house that had become too big for us, and in the end, more of a burden than a home. Along with the excitement of the move, April also is the month when kid number last (four) made her college choice. Also in this transitory month, New York State finally figured out that they needed to issue me a license in Marriage and Family Therapy, and did!

In May, my older two kids came home to their new home away from home for Memorial Day weekend. While home, my daughter attended one of her high school classmates in her wedding, making for a weekend of lots of reminiscing and noticing the passage of time. Then, the last weekend of May I participated in a small “retreat” of sorts with some of my MFT “family” from Syracuse University. After all the craziness of preparations for and then moving during the winter and early spring, the events of May felt warm, comfortable, and were a welcome shift from the tedium of trying to get myself re-organized in my new space. It really did feel like it was my time for “coming home”. Home to my new space where the kids and I could be home together. Home with my professional family, who I don’t get to see that often. Home with myself as I move forward.

And now it is June. Youngest had her senior ball, and is preparing for her high school graduation, and then college. I had a birthday, complete with lots of old fashioned phone calls from family and closest friends contacting me with their well wishes. And, I have gifted myself on this birthday by re-furnishing, and re-creating my bedroom space. It seemed to be the appropriate offering at this important juncture. Many pieces of my life that have been a source of struggle and heaviness now seem to be falling into place.

It would be easy to decide that all those heavy struggles that have worked their way to happy resolution, and with such synchronicity, should now create for me the life that I have been waiting for. However, I know all too well that there are many more sources of struggle and heaviness yet to find me. Despite turning the page in my calendar, I am quite certain that I have many more years of sorting out the “stuff” of my life, and weaving my way through confusing paths, before I can rest easy in the bliss of pure enlightened wisdom! And, that is a good thing. I may not have quite attained bliss, yet there is a juiciness that life offers as I have found myself swimming through the mud, and then finding a place to emerge. Hopefully the next pond will have thinner mud, and will not be quite so wide!

Donna

Why Therapy?

2009-04-28T21:01:00.001-05:00

There’s nothing quite like a family members capacity to challenge your basic belief system to the core. In a recent Sunday phone conversation with a very dear family member, our chatter about family edged into an emotional realm regarding our kids. Sensing that I was getting into uncomfortable territory for him, I offered one of my favorite truisms: No one, absolutely no one, gets through childhood unscathed. We both laughed, a knowing laugh. I took the thought to the next logical step and offered that, after all that confused childhood hurting, most adults then proceed to spend the rest of their lives sorting out the hurts and looking for some manner of healing. In his classically expected response to me, his reply was: ‘Or maybe you just move forward and get on with your life’, followed by a statement about how he and I are probably never going to come to an understanding on this one. I did not proceed to spend phone time trying to enlighten him. But I did find myself stirred up by the exchange, enough so that I decided to dash an email off to him a little later, offering a very concise couple of sentences about why healing those childhood hurts is not optional, but a responsibility. Knowing full well that my condensed thinking about, “why therapy” will likely either be lost on him, disregarded, or both, I decided it might be worthwhile to offer it more broadly here:

“Having a level of self-awareness (which very much includes understanding and courageously taking the time and effort to heal the woundedness of our childhood) is a basic human responsibility as a citizen of the world. It is the refusal to take a look at our own imperfections, faults, and yes, even hurts, that creates the kinds of unskillful behaviours that lead to domestic violence, and on a larger scale, wars between nations and peoples.

This is both my personal and professional experience.”

Well, maybe I tried to pack too much into a couple of sentences. In essence, if we cannot love ourselves well enough to understand and do our own healing, all too often it becomes too easy to shift into a super-rational mode that excuses hurtful and punishing behaviours towards others (to say nothing of the consequent hurt and punishment we will also offer ourselves). It might not always escalate to the point of physical violence, but all too often does include some level of abusive behaviour.

This is not to say that every living being needs to participate in talk therapy at some point in their adult life. Though, that is likely not far from the truth. What I believe it does mean is, that everyone has healing to sort through. And, whatever mode might be employed for figuring out, understanding, and forgiving whatever it was that created all of those hurts, that healing is essential for living a conscious life with a capacity for clear thinking. The more conscious a life we each can create for ourselves, the more likely we are to have content, satisfying, loving relationships. The more likely we are also to avoid harmful and unskillful behaviours with the people around us, whether those people be our most intimate partners and family members, co-workers, friends, or someone who merely happens to be somehow randomly placed in our path.

Donna

Grief

2009-01-15T08:28:00.000-05:00

As war rages in and on Gaza, I find myself both desperately reading about what is happening, and at the same time so disturbed by the news and the images, that I can not bear to read or watch.

The husband of one of my Palestinian cousins that lives in the Middle East died last Saturday; of liver cancer. Yes, even Palestinians die of things other than war inflicted wounds. My image of this man, comes from a very tender recollection of an occasion when I had a chance to share a meal with him and with the family in Amman. His contribution to that meal was his own home made special dessert that is very traditional in Nablus, the city in the West Bank where his family is from. He rolled up his sleeves, dug in and produced a wonderful dessert for all of us to share.

Rula is just about exactly my age, and like me she also has 4 children. Our eldest children were born the same year, and our youngest were born within days of each other. Rula traveled by herself with her very young children when she was pregnant with her fourth child, so she could deliver him here, in the US. At the time, her brother was living in Texas. On her way back to Amman from Dallas, she stopped in Syracuse. She and her 4 children, ages less than 2 months to about 8 years stayed with me and my 4 children, same ages, for a very brief, but very sweet visit. That was the fall of 1991. I have not spent that much time with my Palestinian family, but that visit with Rula and her children was very special. She is an intelligent, loving mother, who wants all the same things for herself, and her family that the rest of us do, no matter where we are born or where we live. I did not know her husband well, but I do know and feel connected with Rula. And, what I know about them is, that theirs was one of those rare relationships of lasting love, enduring and growing over the years of their marriage. I did not hear how long Sami had been sick for, but I am quite certain the juxtaposition of his last breath occurring during the current carnage that is happening in Gaza is more than mere coincidence. The event of his death touched me in a way that almost felt disproportionate for my relationship with him. Yet, I understand it offers me the opportunity to shed the tears that so desperately need to be shed, and that are sometimes hard to find for the bloodshed that we see pictures of, but keep our distance from. Every time a member of my more distant Palestinian family dies, it is another reminder of the ongoing, never ending bloodshed in the name of ignorance, hatred, and cowardice. Another Palestinian who was not able to see a vision of peace or hope before the end of their life. Another marker in the timeline of useless ongoing bloodshed and war. Grief deeply felt for one. I cannot imagine the magnitude of the grief of so many. The human heart weeps, is helpless, knows not what to do, and answers its grief so unskillfully. Will we ever learn??

Donna

Love Death and the purpose of Life

2009-01-04T21:30:00.002-05:00

I found this on the web site of my friend and yoga teacher extraordinaire, Tom Gillette. www.innerhappiness.com He has many interesting and inspiring information bytes tucked away to find in various places on his web page.... It is worth the look, and definitely worth the effort to make it to his class if you are anywhere near Providence, RI!! Donna

Love, Death and the purpose of Life

When you love, give it everything you've got

And when you have reached your limit - give it more.

And forget the pain of it,

because as you face your death

it is only the love you have given

and received that will count.

And all the rest -

the accomplishments, the struggles, the fights - will be forgotten in your reflections.

If you have loved well

then it will have been worth it.

The joy of it will last through the end;

but if you have not, death will always come too soon.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Stopping the Pain

2008-12-10T19:38:00.000-05:00

A friend who is going through separation, and probably divorce also, spoke of the confusion of feelings that has come up, and continues to come up in his process of transitioning his relationship with his wife. “I didn’t know what to do, or what I wanted. All I knew is that I wanted the pain to stop.” I found this to be an extremely eloquent statement, a very clear expression of that unclear feeling, all too commonly unearthed when life offers an unavoidable, and unchosen major jolt. It is really what my clients hire me to help them to do: “Stop the pain. Please just help me stop the pain!!”

We are very good at getting ourselves into pain: get up every morning, do our lives, make a few mistakes along the way and BAM! PAIN! Now what?? No one told us life would be this difficult when we were sweet innocent young children. Well, maybe even that is a fantasy. Most small children get to witness their fair share of struggling adults around them. In that respect maybe it is an unspoken truth that we all know somewhere deep inside; yes we too are destined for struggle and Pain.

Wouldn’t it be nice if as a holiday gift to ourselves we could find ways, at least a little bit, and maybe even just for a short space of time to, “stop the pain”? It really should not be that hard. Pain is all about our wounded hearts. We wound ourselves, and allow the people around us to wound us also. First step in undoing our pain is to take personal responsibility for all the things that we know we can take responsibility for. Our adult ability, prerogative, and privilege to make choices is very powerful and very freeing.

So what do the Holiday’s and Healing have in common? Plain and simple, they are both occasions for pure loving. The first place to offer that love, and sometimes the hardest, is to our selves, to our own hearts. The wise advice I offered my friend is simply this: Healing and loving are two sides of the same coin. To offer yourself healing, allow yourself to be and feel loved, truly loved. So often people skip themselves and move directly to all the people around them for whom they feel responsibility. Altruism looks good on the surface, but it really is only altruistic if the person making the offering is strong enough to be able to make an offering. As anyone who has ever traveled on an airplane knows, if you don’t have oxygen, you will not be able to offer oxygen to your traveling child or other loved companion. Likewise, if your heart has been abandoned, it will not have the strength and capacity to love well.

This holiday season make an offering of love to yourself. Spend some time thinking about what will nourish you, inspire you, make your heart sing, and find a way to allow yourself that gift. Think of it as an offering, not just to you, but to all the people around you that you love the most. Imagine a world where all the people in it were content, nourished, and felt loved. Then do what you can to make yourself one of those people.

May you feel and be love, this holiday season and always.

Peace,

Donna

A Day to Reminisce

2008-10-06T21:44:00.001-05:00

The juxtaposition of life’s events can create a complex stir of thoughts and emotions. It seems that my life is offering up a potpourri of events and feelings, and I have yet to figure out what the mix is supposed to be creating and offering for me. As I write this, I realize that at almost any point in the last several years, I could probably begin an essay with these couple of sentences.

Took a big exam a few days ago that, should I pass, will legitimize some of my big energy expenditures of the last nearly eight years. Traveled the first half of this past weekend following my exam, with a mission to deliver a cello to a violinmaker. Not sure these events have much to do with each other, but both mark endings and beginnings, and so in some abstruse way they seem appropriately connected.

The cello offered two of my children an opportunity for some portion of their musical education which, to my disappointment, neither of them have been keen on continuing. As fate would allow, however, their full size cello is a beautiful instrument with some value. This is an important piece that I am realizing now also: Musical instruments don’t generally depreciate in value like most other material possessions! And, as I have a potential serious buyer for this beautiful cello, it turns out that before it can be sold, it will need a repair or two from the violinmaker who sold it to me, who is now in Boston, giving rise to the need and opportunity for this trip from Central New York to Boston, as well as my extended imaginative travels.

Which is also the exam connection. All that wild pre-exam imagining that so effectively puts an end to any level of efficiency of day-to-day living!! What is being offered up as I expose my anxious self to 200 multiple-choice questions? Every time one takes a BIG exam it is the culmination of years of preparation that seem to be at stake. How could I possibly put on the table the better half of the last decade of my life in a mere four hours???

OK, back to my actual trip: After depositing the cello with the violinmaker, I got back in my car, turned around and headed west right away, but decided that on this beautiful early autumn day, I would take the scenic route back. I took myself home traveling across northern Massachusetts via Rt. 2. As I got close to Walden Pond, it seemed that both my head and my car at the same moment decided that I should pay a visit. I spent five important years of my earliest “mommy-ing” in the greater Boston area, and Walden Pond was one of our old haunts from those days. It has been nearly 20 years since we had last been there. The recollections that it brought up were of my 2 older children, both in their mid 20’s now, who were between the ages of two and five or six when I discovered and visited Walden Pond with them. Those visits then were very different from this visit. I actually walked around the entire lake this time! With toddling kids, that simple hour-long walk would not have been a pretty sight. My current visit also is well past the heat of summer. We always came on warm summer days, with sand pails and shovels, beach towels, bathing suits, and sunscreen. We splashed some in the water, but swimming was less important than playing in the sand. Here I was now however, by myself, in the same place where I had come to play with my young children so many years ago. At first it did not feel like all those many years, and yet there is undeniable history that has spanned those years. As those memories flowed, all of a sudden the time was more poignantly felt. The pail and shovel, sandcastle-making-kids today are both working their first serious real jobs. Their next younger sibling, too young to get into sandcastle creations before we left Boston is now a junior in college. Baby of the family, not yet even a twinkle in my eye when we left Mass., is now looking forward to college next year. I am feeling my years and the nurturance of all those intense mommy-ing days. Every time I come back to one of these places near and around our old stomping grounds, I sink into the recollection of that time when life was both complicated and simple, busy, hectic, scheduled, but with no difficult questions about what needs to be done next. Diapers and dinner, walks to the park and naps, grocery shopping, art classes, their first piano lessons, and pre-school.

In the interim 20 or so years the family structure has changed, there have been a number of graduations, including my own from graduate school. And, lots of complexity as well as routine, keeping our lives both mundane and storied. Stopping along the way to take in Walden Pond, and the gorgeous colors along the winding road and hills of Rt. 2 offered tender opportunity to slow down for a day, ponder the intersection of my and my children’s past with current time and space. Opportunity to reflect on how I got to be standing and walking this space where I mixed my own early adult years with my children’s impressionable years of sucking everything in. As I now ponder my sentimentality at this juncture, I recognize the tear in my eye and throat as another coming of age. I, like so many others, granted myself wisdom as I stepped into parenting full steam ahead. One of life’s many lessons, that we don’t really “get”, until an opportunity to step back and away offers itself. Tears of my own youthful innocence, offering the best I could to my children. Forgiving my parents for the best they could offer me, which of course is never adequate. Moving forward, I continue my job of my own re-parenting, and guiding my children when and if invited, as they now enter the stage of their lives not so far from where I was 20 years ago.

I make no predictions for anything at all. There is no knowing or predicting. There is only the offering of love, and being present to what is.

Donna

No Yoga week of August 11-15

2008-08-10T21:33:00.003-05:00

I am away August 11-15; no yoga this week.

My schedule the following week will be Monday and Friday at 8:30 AM, Wednesday at 5:30 PM

Call for more information or for directions: 885-3057

Donna

A weekend in Lily Dale, NY

2008-08-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

I came to Lily Dale, NY for a weekend of quiet, alone time, opportunity to access and explore my spirit life, and the possibilities of angels and spirit guides. I come looking forward to the opportunity to poke and prod, and learn a little bit about this place that has a reputation for the being the place to go to speak with loved ones who have passed to the other side. I arrive very late on Thursday night. No spooks, despite my late arrival. Just another little upstate NY community on a beautiful lake near woods in the summer time. Friday morning I wake up wondering if I will find healthy food to eat while on my spiritual weekend adventure. Day one breakfast: a processed egg, and sticky sweet muffin… will do better next meal!!

Then I begin walking…. Up and down all of the small streets, peering into the porches of the various mediums, stepping up onto some of them, taking in the energy of the community, I obtain a large handful of cards to pick and choose from. I stumble upon and enter a small gift shop, buy a couple of CD’s, and a crystal to bless my new car.

During my 3 day stay, I get 5 readings, attend a workshop on angels, take a dip in the lake, find a couple of spare hours to do a little studying, take brief yoga time in the morning, get in some good journaling time, walk a labyrinth, and overall just have a pretty fabulous time. The highlight of the whole weekend, however was my last reading:

Before this reading, I went for a walk in the woods very nearby. There were “fairy houses” placed along a path. It was a beautiful day, the woods were quiet; I was alone. As I am looking at the beautiful trees, I begin to see a tool for me to use to kick up into a handstand. I had already checked out of my room; I was going to get on the road shortly, and I was wishing I could get a handstand in today. I have not done this outside before, but what a cool thing it would be to find a willing tree to catch my feet, and allow me up. So I begin. First tree I try is uphill from where I need to place my hands…. Not happening! I go to several trees, find hand placement difficult, trees leaning away from me, trunks too narrow, muddy ground, uneven ground, the earth’s slope too far uphill or downhill for kicking up to their trees, etc. I actually get up pretty close once, but never found the tree behind me, lost my balance quickly and came down before achieving a satisfying handstand. As I come out of the woods, I am walking and see a big beautiful tree on level ground near the lake. I look to see if there is anyone nearby, choose a side of the tree where I might be most likely to be hidden from view, and am at it again. I come so close, but again, did not get good balance and do not reach the tree to stay up. Frustrated, I keep trying; the more I try the more I realize, this is not happening today! At which point I step away from the tree, resigned to improving my handstand indoors on level floor with a smooth stable wall that doesn’t lean away from me!! I walk over to my last reading of my weekend.

The first people who showed up for this reading are both of my uncles on my dad’s side. The medium characterizes them quickly and well; they both offer me support and encouragement regarding my business. And then Gram, who only passed a couple of months ago, shows up and is having a regular conversation with the medium. Next thing I know, the medium is asking me if I do yoga. She tells me that Gram is showing her a yoga pose. I ask what pose; she only says that she is going backwards, and that Gram has a great big smile. She asks me if I had ever tried to teach Gram, or engage her with yoga, if we had a joke between us. I said no, and then I told her what I had been doing before I came in and had Gram seen me? Gram is smiling big still, and says to her, that I should have gotten up, and that it would be more like her to not get up. She says to me, that I would have better luck on more level ground! I just laughed. It sounded so much like what gram would have said to me! I left from my first visit to Lily Dale, NY with a great big grin on my face!

Donna

A Big Plug for Suzanne..... Great Opportunity for MFT Trainings in CNY

2008-05-27T20:17:00.002-05:00

The Syracuse Institute for Healing Relationships
UPCOMING TRAINING OPPORTUNITIES
Need an Infusion of Professional Energy & Growth for Summer 2008?

I. 5-Hour AAMFT Approved Supervisor’s Refresher Course. Friday, June 13 (or December 5), 2008. Liverpool, (near Syracuse) N.Y. 8:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m.

Renew your supervisor’s credentials. We’ll try to mix up the supervision topics you’ll need with personal application to your work. Really, this will be painless (some people have even said fun)! (Cost: $ 125).

II. If You Want To Be A Healer…For Early Risers: Thursdays in June (5th, 12th,19th, 26th) Morning Growth Group for Mental Health Professionals. Liverpool, N.Y. 8:00 – 9:30 am.
What is a healer and how can we intentionally promote healing principles in our every day life and practice? This four session professional growth group is designed to give you enriching exercises for nurturing and exploring your current self-of-the- healer gifts and glitches, and a group synthesis of clinical ideas, thoughts, and wisdom about the healing experiences that inhabit your daily life. (Cost:$155. If you sign up with a friend: $135.)

III. Considering Life Meaning, Loss, Spirituality, Intuition, Synchronicity, and Oneness in Everyday Practice: Every Other Friday Morning 6-session Growth Group for Practicing Mental Health Professionals. Liverpool, NY. (First two weeks will be June 6 and June 20th. We’ll work together to coordinate schedules after that.) 9:00 – 10:30 a.m.

Tired of not being able to talk about the parts of your practice that fall outside the realm of diagnosis, treatment plans, and case note reporting? Wanting to trace your “life meaning trajectory” in your everyday life as a therapist? This twice/month learning group will feature provocative exercises to begin each session, and follow-up time to dialogue about how they apply to your own life and your clinical cases. We will work towards helping you to identify and develop themes of meaning in your life and make core connecting experiences an intentional priority.(Cost: $235. If you sign up with a friend: $ 200).

IV. Medical Family Therapy: Practical Matters and the Many Pathways to Healing. Coming on a Saturday in September!

The morning of this day-long workshop will focus on straight talk about medical family therapy, the therapist’s role, self-of the therapist issues, and case study analysis. In the afternoon we will switch gears to explore the many pathways to healing, including such aspects as: 1) story-telling and meaning-making through phases of illness, 2) working with touch, energy, breathing, and balance,3) the inclusion of rituals in healing, and, 4) the importance of building community and connection for patients and caregivers alike. Send us an email if you’re interested and we’ll get more information to you about times and cost.

V. Approved AAMFT Supervision and Supervision of Supervision. Groups and

Individuals. Liverpool, NY. By appointment. (Cost: $ 65. per hour).

For Further Information & Registration Contact:

Suzanne M. Haas-Cunningham, Ph.D: SIFHR@msn.com

(315)409-3311

Log: Celebrating 100 years in Four Days!

2008-05-15T11:25:00.003-05:00

Thursday May 10: 12:30 PM call from Dad notifying me of my 100 year old grandmother’s apparently serious decline. I drive home to see her and my mother. Gram does not look well. I call all my kids, her great grandchildren, to let them know.

Friday May 11: Justine takes the train from NY to Albany; Dad drives to Albany to pick her up and bring her the rest of the way to New Hartford to see Gram.

Friday evening: Steve (brother), Teresa, and Danny drive up from Westchester county to see Gram. I drive to New Hartford, so Justine and I can head back down to NY to prepare for Justine’s graduation festivities (NYU). I realize after arriving in New Hartford, that one of my tires is too low to drive on.
8:30 PM: Justine and I leave in Dad’s car
11:15 PM: Call from Dad, Gram has just passed.

Karl, in the meantime… just finishing his spring term at Tufts, spent Friday packing his car and getting ready to leave, departs for Syracuse around 7:00 PM, stops in Utica to give his grandmother a hug and offer his love after hearing of the passing of his great grandmother.

Saturday: 1:30 AM Justine and I arrive at Steve’s empty house, for short sleep. Karl arrives home, for an even shorter sleep.
6:00 AM: Karl and his Dad get on a bus for NY.
6:15 AM- Justine and I are up so we can take the 7:something train into NY for a 9:00 yoga class! After class Justine heads back to her apt. I head over to a meeting with a friend. Wander back towards Justine’s apt. after my meeting. Stumble on a café for lunch. Walk across Central Park to get to the other side of town to get the train to Justine’s.

1:00 PM: Paul, Karl, and Dad go to a Mets/Reds baseball game.

4 ish: Choosing a restaurant for dinner to please palate of pure meat eaters, pure vegetarians, and those of us in between. 5:30ish: Phone call from mom and dad; Gram’s burial, calling hours, funeral, and the family meal that will follow will all take place on Monday, beginning at 10:45 in the morning.

7:00 PM: Justine and I, and her room mate Erin, meet up with Paul, Karl, and their dad, my ex for celebration dinner for Justine’s graduation. Dinner at Moroccan restaurant. After dinner, we disperse, and I head back up to my brother’s overnight. 11:30 ish I arrive, and Steve and family have now returned from upstate also.

Sunday: 7:00 AM: up, so that I can pack all my things, dress appropriately for a graduation and an evening Broadway production. I find my way in Dad’s fancy car to drive to Paul’s apt. in Queens. Arrive at Paul’s by 9:20, park the car; Paul and I take the train to Madison Square Garden. Meet up with Karl, and their Dad, a little before 10:00 AM. New York University’s College of Arts and Sciences Graduation from about 10:30 until 1:30. Meet up with Justine after. We all take the train back to her apt. First time her father sees her apt. Then, walk to lunch at a very nice little café near Columbia. Back to Justine’s briefly after our late lunch. She kicks us all out so she can get possibly an hour or so to herself. I head to a café to get some quiet time with myself and my journal over a cup of coffee.

7:00 PM Justine and I meet up with Paul and Karl at the Shubert Theater for Spamalot! Beautiful production. Light, entertaining, funny, good dancing and singing.

All day long on Sunday: Several conversations with Ruth who stayed behind from traveling this weekend so she could study for her Bio AP, scheduled for Monday morning. Now: how to rearrange our lives so that Monday, tomorrow!!! will work. Phone calls to Ruth, school guidance counselor, bio teacher, scheming about how to get Ruth out of that exam time, all of us a little bit of sleep, and Ruth and the rest of us to New Hartford in the morning.
9:30 PM after Spamalot, we head to Paul’s apt in Queens. He packs, we get directions to get out of Queens to head upstate. Leave by 10:30 PM; Justine is first driver. We get ourselves in a wrong lane and end up driving through Manhattan, back on track without much trouble. Paul is second driver, then me, and the last 30 minutes or so, Justine finishes the trip.

Monday: Phew!! Arrive, safely, in Syracuse about 3:00 AM. Sweet Ruth has beds prepared for the unanticipated arrival of all her siblings! 9:15 AM head for New Hartford.
6:30 AM: Steve’s family heads upstate again!
10:45 AM: burial
12:00 noon: calling hours
2:00 PM: funeral
3:00 PM: Lunch with extended family and friends at the Phoenician
5:15 PM: back to mom and dad’s house
6:00 PM: Justine and Paul head back down to NY
9:00 PM: Donna, Karl, and Ruth head back to Syracuse. Karl drives, mom collapses.
10:00 PM: Back home!

The juxtaposition of Justine’s graduation weekend with the death of Gram has not been lost on me, or Justine. Gram was a very strong, very intelligent woman. She herself was a college graduate, from Cornell University in 1930. Though she did not work outside of her home, Gram most definitely did work very hard in her lifetime, taking care of her family and participating actively in her community. She used her many skills wisely, carefully, lovingly, and thoughtfully. And, she was widely recognized by everyone who knew her for these qualities. In her own very distinct way of being, she paved a path for her daughter and grand and great grand daughters to, generation by generation, take steps forward to be independent, strong, active women. Each of us in turn stepping into our own wisdom, not in small part, we receive from the legacy of our great Gram.

http://uticaod.net/obits/obit_search_detail.php?ID=9295440

Donna

Sun In Syracuse in April

2008-04-21T11:15:00.002-05:00

What incredible sun and warmth we have had unseasonably early this year. Another lovely poem from Dana Faulds captures the essence of early spring; from her collection, From Root to Bloom:

Bright Day

The hill of daffodils
shines like the sun
come down to drink
its fill of light.
Spring unrolls its
leafy carpet, the
whole world going
green, reminding
me that miracles are
not just vague
possibilities, but real
as mockingbird
melodies, obvious as
dewdrops flashing like
prisms in the grass.

Enjoy and drink in the sun while it is offering itself as a warm tease of summer to come!!

Donna

Love..... again!

2008-04-13T13:03:00.000-05:00

I find my thoughts, again meandering to what it is to love. This time, in the context of the client/therapist relationship. As a family therapist, and someone who truly loves what I do, I often tell people, “I love my clients.” And, given the circumstances of the setting and relationship, it is hard to do anything else. A client humbly comes to me, seeking safe space, patient listening, a little bit of guidance, a little bit of reassurance, a place of solace for their grief, sadness, anxiety, fears, and any number of their other emotional intensities. My contract with a client is to give them the space they need, on their terms. They owe me nothing in return emotionally. In exchange for that manner of one way giving, there is monetary remuneration, and an expectation that my professional training equips me to take care of myself and to not need my clients’ emotional support. It is sometimes confusing to clients because, despite the imbalance of the relationship, and the clear understanding that the sessions will only be about the client, inevitably there will be a degree of mutual affection that develops in the client/therapist relationship. A developed fondness between client and therapist is not essential, but it can be a good thing, and can also be quite useful, a fortunate and common bonus.

The impulse to write about this comes from a bad experience that I had as a client. A massage therapist I went to approached the space in the massage room very differently from how I do when I see clients. As opposed to family therapy, when I see massage clients, though I may speak to them, and engage in conversation if that is what they seem to need and want, conversation is not essential during a massage session, and sometimes it even feels distracting. This therapist however, initiated conversation during sessions with me. I was a little confused as he became chatty, friendly, engaged in conversation about both himself, and me. Despite my training, despite my very clear understanding of how I conduct myself as a therapist and clinician, and because of my desire to receive a very good deep massage, and my desire to truly allow myself to be the client, something that I do not get to do very often, I continued to see this therapist for massage, deciding to presume that he knew what he was doing, and was in control of himself and the situation. I allowed myself to continue receiving massages from him for a period of 3-4 months. At the point when I stopped going to him, it felt appropriate and necessary even, to have a conversation with him about some of the confusion that I felt in the “therapeutic space” of his office. My desire to clarify, understand, clean up what seemed to be confusing not only for me, but for him as well, lead me down a road that is not at all what I had hoped for, or expected.

My attempts to contact and converse with this therapist were met with some combination of being ignored and refused, and eventually a meeting that he begrudgingly allowed. We met at a small coffee shop, where he paid for my drink, sat down with me, and then proceeded to publicly humiliate me by loudly rebuking me, and then walking out on me. Needless to say, as this scene unfolded I realized I had entrusted myself to someone who I should not have trusted, despite his technical skills, and despite my urgent desire to be a client.

Why do I tell this story in the context of my musings on “love”? Because of my deep frustration with the poor outcome of how this has unfolded, and continues, more than a year later to have no satisfactory resolution. After the shocking encounter in the coffee shop, I did get some small satisfaction. He indicated to me that he understood how out of line he had been. He apologized and demonstrated that he had gotten professional help for himself, at which point I let the matter drop without taking any action against him. After all, what action would there be to take? He had not done anything physically or sexually inappropriate. What he did do however was to betray the client/therapist relationship.

I have discovered in the time since this unfortunate incident that I am not the only client to have been betrayed by this “professional”. I have tried to engage the conversation with him again, and again I am being met with slammed doors, and a refusal of any contact. As I find myself at the client’s end of a bad relationship with a professional, I find myself observing and questioning myself. What is it about this that is so terribly disturbing? So he is a bad therapist, why is it so hard to just let this go and be done with it? This is where I find myself again realizing the impact and importance of what it is to truly love my clients.

I don’t always like all of my clients, but I always love them. What does that mean? First and foremost it means that they are given the respect to be allowed to be cared for as a client. It presumes that their intent in coming to see me is to be offered nurturance and the possibility of healing through a modality in which I am professionally trained. The mere fact of my professional training does not necessarily mean that I come to these relationships open and ready to love anyone who steps through my doors. I do not find myself expressing out loud my love for them either. However, the nature of the fields I have chosen presumes that what is being offered will include nurturance and some level of healing. With the inadequacy of language, “Love” is the best way to describe what motivates me to be able to offer myself to my clients openly, without judgment, and with curiosity, caring, and concern. This is not what I was feeling from the massage therapist who needed to close off conversation from or with me. At this point, it became evident that he was taking care of his wounded self at the expense of the outcome that choice might provide for me.

Clearly, what feels so bad about what has evolved in this particular client/therapist relationship gone sour is the denial of communication. If the client is confused, and the therapist refuses to offer clarity and communication, yells at the client, denies contact, blames the client, and in multiple ways gives signals to the client that are rejecting, then what should have been a therapeutic relationship has now become hostile, harming, and hurtful. It is my experience that clients come for both talk therapy and massage therapy, because of a desire and a longing to be cared for and yes, loved. Loved; safely in an uncommitted neutral relationship, by a professional who is wise enough to be able to separate him or herself from his or her clients. The abandonment that occurs when a confused “professional” brings the conversation to an end is inexcusable, selfish, and unprofessional. What I have gained from this experience is an understanding of just how profound the simple difference can become between allowing and not allowing conversation. The difference between an offering of love, or an infliction of another wounded layer.

Donna

New Year's Crossroads

2007-12-31T10:45:00.000-05:00

My son and I went outside this morning to shovel just enough so that he could pull the car out and not have to drive over and pack down the three or four inches of white slush that came down last night. I have enough cold weather and snow experience, of a life lived mostly in Central New York, to know that you don’t just drive over that small snow fall in the morning when you leave, just because you know you can and it is not going to slow you down. Unless of course you are eager to do the experiment to find out just how much of an ice base you can create on your driveway, and how many months it will take to get rid of it!!

As I am shoveling this morning, the cold snap of air against my eyes and face in combination with the movement of shoveling brought some gentle tearing to my eyes. Not from exertion or emotion, but a purely physiological response to the elements outside. It reminded me, however, of a lesson I learned many years ago when I stubbed my toe. I had been walking up some steps, and clumsily missed the next step up, and stubbed my toe. The injury was not very significant, but hurt enough to elicit tears. Next thing I knew I found those tears created an opening, and all of a sudden there I sat completely bawling, something between real serious tears, and also laughter. Tears because of the insult to my toe and ego, and also because of all the other things that had been stressful in my life at that point, that should have brought me to tears well before then, all of a sudden found their outlet of explosion. Laughter, at the instantaneous realization of what was happening.

So this morning I did not find myself turning the tears into a major crying fit, but I was surprised at how I felt that familiar opening and the vulnerability that could have easily become more than just gentle tears from moving around outside in the cold and snow. If the right person had been there and offered me ears and attention the tears could easily have become much more real. I quickly understood. The experience of falling into a major puddle from a minor stub of my toe all those years ago was a powerful experience, and it comes back to me easily. Today’s vulnerability I understand as recognition of my being at an important crossroads. It is the eve of the New Year, and floating around in my head are events of the year past and many anticipations of the year to come.

As I will be turning 50, 2008 will offer me an important landmark birthday. The years of studying, and working as a family therapist should finally pay off in the acquisition of a license from New York State, finally!! Did I say Finally?! After spending time and energy seriously panicking about whether I would accumulate the hours I need in the time frame required, it has become evident that this really will happen. For someone who despises test taking, it is an indication of the level of stress those hours were creating, to witness my relief at turning the stress of accumulating hours into relief for having to study for an exam!! And then there are my children, all of their lives and significant anticipations, and of course, my own personal life struggles. Many many places where things seem to be at important crossroads for all 5 of us.

Reflecting back on the year behind me, I am again amazed at how much can happen in a single year. I know too, that some of what will transpire in the year ahead I will easily be able to anticipate, but much of what will come will be unpredictable. Predictable or not, the result of years of striving, or spontaneous events that just seem to come out of nowhere, life offers itself up. The challenge is ours to live it to our best. To step away with a smile, and warm feeling when things fall into place as we like them. To offer our tears when they can help us along. And, to take the time to recognize our need for tears and laughter, listening and being listened to.

Many warm wishes to all for a Happy, Prosperous, Healthy New Year. May you dream ambitious dreams, may you have loved ones around you to witness your dreams, your accomplishments, and your sorrows.

Donna

Syracuse Community Choir Solstice Concert

2007-12-11T21:35:00.000-05:00

22nd Annual Winter Solstice Concert: Do Justice, Make Peace Karen Mihalyi, conductor
	Saturday, December 15, 2007 @ 7:00 PM
		Price: $10 - $25 sliding scale; children under 12 free
		Plymouth Church 232 E. Onondaga St., Syracuse "Do Justice; Make Peace" is the theme of the Winter Solstice Concert this year. As the season turns chilly and we approach a new year, the choir trumpets an unwavering refrain for change. The languages in which they sing are diverse -- Spanish, Zulu, English, Arabic -- but the call for individual responsibility and action is the common thread. The Syracuse Community Choir is an ever-growing group of children and adults who work to educate each other and the greater community about social and political issues -- focusing on indigenous rights, civil rights, environmental rights, religious acceptance, and inclusion of all people. SCC members are bound together by an interest in music, a desire to work for social justice, and a quest for community.

flyer blurbs

2007-12-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

Ok.... the flyer really is much better as a "flyer"... somehow loses it's impact as I try to offer pieces of it in this format. I might just have to enlist one of my tech age kids to help me figure out how to post it on my blog as a flyer!! :

What creates a need for therapy is change, either a desire for change, or a need to adjust to an unexpected change. While navigating your way through change, keeping balance in your daily life can become challenging and problematic. A healthy and satisfying relationship with a therapist will nurture you with patience and compassion through the process.

Change in Motion Healing Arts
The Spa at 500
500 W. Onondaga St.
Syracuse, NY 13204
Donna: 315-885-3057
zahralmt@yahoo.com
www.dzferne.blogspot.com

Change in Motion Healing Arts

Donna Dallal-Ferne

MA, Marriage and Family Therapy

RYT, Yoga Instructor

Licensed Massage Therapist

Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA: Donna entered Syracuse University’s Marriage and Family Therapy program in the fall of 2002. After finishing her internship in February of 2005 at The Center for Living with Loss, associated with Hospice of Central New York, she opened an office and maintained a small private practice on her own for a year. In January of 2006, she began working with Jill Weldum in Weldum Family Therapy Services. In the summer of 2007 Donna moved her practice to The Spa at 500, in downtown Syracuse.
Donna brings to her therapy practice experience as not only a family therapist but also her experience as a massage therapist, and her passion for yoga. Her massage practice solidified and grounded for her the meaning of “mind-body connection” and inspired her to go to graduate school for marriage and family therapy. She also brings to her practice her own personal experience of marriage, divorce, and raising 4 children. Her special areas of interest in family therapy include:
Helping families and individuals through times of loss and grief. Couples therapy, including communication, intimacy, separation and divorce. Gay/lesbian/transgender issues. The struggles of adolescents.
Donna is an Associate member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and an active member of the local professional organization, CNYAMFT.
In addition to her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, Donna is also a Licensed Massage Therapist, and a Registered Yoga Teacher through Yoga Alliance.

Change in Motion Healing Arts offers family, couple and individual services. The office includes play facilities for children and families.
CIMHA also offers massage, and has space for private yoga sessions with individuals, couples, or small family groups.

A massage therapist can help you undo deep muscle tension. A psycho-therapist will help you address and uncover the issues in your life that bring on bodily tensions. A yoga practice will bring your awareness keenly to your habitual form, and help you to see and feel how you carry your life in your body.

For more information or to schedule an appointment, please contact Donna at:
315-885-3057

Love Byte

2007-10-03T10:50:00.000-05:00

I wrote a thought about what love is not too long ago, hoping to stir responses and comments. Of course love is many many things. Here is another muse on the matter, which felt particularly important to me in a moment of quiet reflection the other day.

Love is: the ability to recognize and embrace our wounded selves, and to forgive what we perceive as the sources of our wounds.

Donna

New Office Announcement

2007-10-01T11:45:00.000-05:00

I am pleased to announce that I have moved my office. I am working with a new supervisor, Susan White, LMFT and will be sharing two office spaces with her. One will be in the newly opened "Spa at 500" on W. Onondaga St. just west of Armory Square and of downtown Syracuse. The Spa is the home of massage therapists, physical therapists, chiropractors, counselors, yoga instructors, and others.

The other space Susan and I will be sharing is in the Women's Info building at 601 Allen St. in the University area of Syracuse, NY.

My phone and email contact remain the same:
315-885-3057
zahralmt@yahoo.com

Donna

October Yoga

2007-10-01T11:22:00.000-05:00

I will begin teaching yoga at a new location this month on Monday evenings at 5:30.

My new space will be at 500 W. Onondaga St., Syracuse, NY on the very near west side of downtown, about a mile from Aromory Square. There will be no class on Monday the 8th of October due to Columbus Day weekend.

Fee for the class will be $12.00 for drop-ins, and $10. per class if you buy a series of 4 or more.

I continue to offer very small and private classes in my small studio in my house as well.

Feel free to call me to schedule a private, or for information about my classes: 315-885-3057

Donna

Love is:

2007-08-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

Love is being able to honestly "let go", while not taking it personally. Ahhh, so profound!!! Yet, definitely what I discover more and more in both my professional and personal life. People take so much so personally, and when we do that, it is more about ego than about love. Offer your sweetie some freedom; freedom to mess up, freedom to hurt, freedom to move from a hurt place, and you may find that all the things they do that you find hurtful are really not so much about you, but more about their own mortal imperfections.

Not so many comments happening on this little page of mine. Would greatly enjoy hearing other thoughts about this, and what you think "love is", outside of silly fairy tales!!

2007-07-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

As I contemplate saying good-bye soon to my very dear feline friend Kaspar, I am yet again deeply moved by the poetry of John de Kadt. Thank you John; for simplicity, depth, and truth. This is the lead number from his Drum Poetry album:

This Rhythm Is Not Mine

this rhythm is not mine
it comes from all hearts beating
all things opening and closing
it comes from the silent movement
of fishtails in the ocean
and from the swinging of waves and tides
it comes from the woodpecker
and from the way the ants
parade across the ground
it comes from the circling sun
and swaying leaf
that falls every autumn
no this rhythm is not mine,
but none of these
can claim it either,
not even the spinning moon
in her waning and waxing
can boast its creation
this rhythm is old
and as constant as our sure death
and as sure as the way morning
appears again and again
on the horizon
nothing does not dance to this rhythm
it is heard in every spec of all the worlds
even the gods are forced to step in time
it’s been around so long
it never began

John de Kadt

Bristol, NY

2007-06-04T14:03:00.000-05:00

I went away on Yoga retreat for a few days over Memorial Day weekend; was blessed to be able to take in the beautiful Finger Lakes region of upstate NY. The retreat was hosted in a building that was originally designed to be a hunting cabin, and has now been converted to yoga retreat space. People who own homes in this area generally have many acres of land and if they don’t happen to be right on a lake, rather than digging and installing a pool, they will dig and dig and very easily create a fresh water pond. Which was the case at this sight. This creates a perfect setting for nighttime music of frog and toad calls. This particular retreat drew a small crowd of women, mostly from Colorado. It was very interesting for me to observe their impressions of this most gorgeous area between Central and Western New York State. We truly were extraordinarily lucky to have unseasonably warm and sunny weather (whatever is seasonable anymore?!). The women from Colorado were drinking in, not only the warmth, but also the humidity in the air. It is not what the air feels and smells like in Colorado. To me, this is what late spring and summer just is; to these women, this was a delicious treat. Of course, I had nothing to do with their total enjoyment of the lush green, the gorgeous pond, the singing spring birds, toads, and frogs, the sunny, warm, and humid weather; but somehow all of this felt a little more like mine, and I felt special. No doubt my feeling special came not only from their new found appreciation of what is close to home and familiar to me, but also came from Jeanie Manchester’s yoga classes, Douglas Brooks’ inspiring talks each afternoon, and Vishali’s welcome setting. Many thanks to our talented teachers and to the Goddesses from the West (and East too)! See you at our next gathering!

Blessings, Donna

2007-05-24T21:56:00.000-05:00

A very dear friend has experienced a tremendous loss recently. He and his partner, pregnant for the first time, first child for both of them, lost the pregnancy in the ninth month. I feel grief, sorrow, love, tenderness, and so terribly clumsy. What could be more contradictory than death that precedes birth? Than spending the better part of a year in eager loving anticipation of the hopes and dreams that new birth offers, then to have those dreams turn to grief and mourning? My deepest heartfelt sympathies are with you, D&L. Love, Donna

Upcoming Yoga Classes

2007-05-15T14:04:00.000-05:00

Apologies for being delinquent on posting my teaching schedule. Here is the schedule for the rest of May and into June:

Monday's 10:00 AM at the Westcott Community Center, corner of Euclid and Westcott St., no class Memorial Day; last Monday class in this series will be Monday June 18th.
Wednesday's 10:30 AM, in my home studio, until further notice. Call for directions: 315-885-3057

Monday and Wednesday morning classes are $10. per class.

My schedule with "The Fit Biz":

Monday May 21st 5:40 PM at Rockefeller church
Monday May 28: Memorial Day, No evening class
Monday June 4 and June 11: 5:40 PM at Bellvue church
Thursday June 14: 4:15 PM at Bellvue Church

See November '06 posting for directions to both churches.

Donna

Concert!!!

2007-04-23T17:16:00.001-05:00

Hamilton College’s
College and Community Oratorio Society present:

Carl Orff’s Carmina Burina

and

James Hopkins’ Songs of Eternity

under the direction of G. Roberts Kolb

Lauralyn Kolb, Soprano

Ray Larzelere, tenor

Timothy LeFebvre, baritone

Tuesday April 24, 2007, 8:00 PM

Carol Woodhouse Wellin Hall in the Schambach Center for Music and Performing Arts on Hamilton College’s campus, Clinton, NY

Admission: $6.00, Students/Seniors: $4.00; Hamilton Students free with ID

Should be a Wonderful Concert! Donna

2007-04-17T21:53:00.000-05:00

So here's another beautiful poem from Danna Faulds. This is from her collection, Poems from the Heart of Yoga: Go In and In

Allow

There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado. Dam a
stream and it will create a new
channel. Resist, and the tide
will sweep you off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry
you to higher ground. The only
safety lies in letting it all in –
the wild and the weak; fear,
fantasies, failures and success.
When loss rips off the doors of
the heart, or sadness veils your
vision with despair, practice
becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being, the whole
world is revealed to your new eyes.

This little verse spoke to me well this evening. I hope it does for you also. Donna

Some thoughts about couples therapy

2007-03-17T10:38:00.000-05:00

So, here I am thinking about what to publish on this fun little site that gives me an opportunity to write, and as I am thinking I realize…. The name of this site is “Donna’s Therapy Blog”, yet recently it has felt a little more like, “Donna’s Musings.” Musings are good; after all, they indeed are fodder for therapy. However, today I am feeling compelled to be a little more direct in bringing theme and title in synch with one another.

In my musings about therapy and what I like about being a therapist, I often find myself thinking about how much I appreciate working with couples. As I consider why this client pool is so satisfying, I find myself going to this place of understanding the correlation between my rather eclectic theory of therapy, and how it corresponds to and intersects with both my moral thinking, and my broader thinking on what the key elements are to living a content life with integrity. As I personally am not in a couple relationship right now, and have not been for a number of years, I understand that being part of a couple is not the basis for satisfaction and contentment in our adult lives. Indeed, as a therapist, and someone who has lived through the separation and divorce process, I also deeply understand how coupling can, sometimes, complicate one’s sense of self in a manner that can create a lot of confusion, unhappiness, and downright misery.

YET, there is this very lovely piece that I have witnessed with couples as I have been invited to participate in the therapy process with them. Here is a somewhat condensed version of what I most appreciate about working with couples:

~ They dare to bring their most humble selves forward together to effect a change in their most personal, most intimate relationship.

~ Change happens because people put forward their most tender vulnerabilities, developing greater trust both in themselves, and in their partners.

~ As change happens, depth of understanding comes not only about each other, but about themselves as individuals, creating space for expansion and growth in other relationships in their lives as well.

~ None of this happens without a willingness to develop deeper honesty with each other, and with themselves.

~ I believe that the work in couples therapy is some of the deepest work that people will do for themselves, and that it is the foundation for developing better relationships in the rest of their lives.

~ I further believe that there is a powerful ripple effect when others see, witness, and are a part of the lives of those who work hard to have integrity in their relationships. And, that at some level it will reverberate well beyond what we know and see in our own personal daily lives.

~ In other words, if we all dared to do what struggling couples do to better their relationships, the entire population of the planet would have a greater chance at living in peace with one another!! Now that is exciting and powerful stuff!!!

Donna

A Tease of Spring

2007-03-14T14:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had a Tease of Spring. Today, it is back to the Soaking of the Earth that Central New York is famous for. I was all set last night to write something to post on this site all about how lovely the warm air felt, and what a nice welcome home it was for me, after being away in the much warmer climate of the Florida coastline for a few days. However I got distracted by other things and here I am, the very next day, and the great outdoors is not exactly providing me with the back drop for writing about the Tease of Spring.

It is March however, and the very experience of the teasing weather is a huge reminder of how impactful what is happening outside can be on our state of mind. Being someone who has spent most of my life in Central New York, I have always said that, despite what can be long winters, I appreciate the beauty of this part of the world, and the experience of very clearly having four seasons. And yet, here we are at the end of what was a harsh February, but not really all that harsh of a winter, and that little tease of warmth had the locals, and me, buzzing like bees who couldn’t wait for the taste of the first spring flowers.

March, a season of water, is most definitely upon us. Yesterday it was the gushing floods from the snow banks melting under the warm suns rays. Today it is the floodgates in the sky opening wide. Tomorrow, it might be snow again; we won’t know until we know. We locals now have the opportunity, once again, to moan about the weather in Central New York, and how cold and wet it is so much of the year. The Tease of Spring is, however, real. A real taste of what we all know lies just around the corner, when the warmer temperatures of spring and summer really will come our way. A bit of spring water allows us the privilege of our complaining, as well as the other privilege of living in one of the most beautiful lush green spots on this planet.

Happy March one and all. May the anticipation and eagerness of the season of green buds infect your spirit, even if a little early!

Donna

Yoga in March

2007-02-28T14:13:00.000-05:00

Here’s my schedule for teaching yoga in March:

Monday March 5: 10:00-11:15 AM at Westcott Community Center
5:40- 6:55 PM at Bellvue Heights Church on Geddes St.
Monday March 12, and 19: same as above

Monday March 26: 10:00-11-15 AM at Westcott Community Center

Wednesday March 28: 5:40 – 6:55 PM at Rockefeller Church on the corner of Tecumseh and Nottingham Rds. in Syracuse

Wednesday mornings: 10:30 AM- noon in my home studio. Call for location and directions: 885-3057

Kyra Remembered

2007-02-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

So, February has been a slow month for posting things here. Not entirely sure why. Maybe the excitement of the New Year is fading into the mundane of everyday. Last week provided some extra challenges for me. Spent the week alone, while my children were, all 4 of them, even the youngest, off in other places. During their absence our old family dog passed, and I had to figure out how to manage the event by myself. It was a lonely, sad, and difficult process. I felt a little like I should somehow find a way to memorialize her, so wrote an obituary of sorts for her. It felt a little silly at first, but I decided that really it is not, so here it is:

Kyra: Feb 15, 1993-Feb 20, 2007

Sweet devoted family doggie, left us last week. Suffering from complications of old age, and arthritis, her body finally decided it had had enough. Kyra waited until 5 days after her 14th birthday, roughly 98 doggie years to give up the fight. She has been wearing the badges of old age for a few years now: multiple fatty cysts that made her look disfigured, and of course the pain and discomfort created from the complications of arthritis, especially in her hips.

So much history that accompanies our memories of Kyra. She came into our household when her human siblings were: 9, 8, 5, and 1 ½ years old. She gracefully offered herself as buffer to so much chaos, and put up with our nonsense when the craziness of our lives meant that she got lost in the chaos. She chose her moment to leave this world when the kids were all away; Paul, Justine, and Karl off traveling and/or studying away from home, and Ruth away for school break week with her father. I will always marvel at the timing of Kyra’s departure, 5 days after her birthday, and during a brief and unusual absence of all the kids.

Kyra leaves behind, besides her human family, three four legged friends: Maggie: Mini Dachshund, who is now left to take on the role of Pet Principle, a role that she has been ready, willing, and able to take on for quite some time; Casper: the most senior of the household critters, 16 ½ year old gray cat; and Smokey Joey: black cat extraordinaire, quietly keeping his distance from most of the household chaos. The house is very different without you, Kyra. You will be dearly missed.

Donna

A Tears Kind of a Day

2007-02-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

Some days are just a tears kind of a day. Appointments get missed, communications don't happen, the cold freezes the car battery, and then when I trade cars, car number two's door is frozen shut, and I have to climb over the stick shift to get in and out! Life shouldn't be this difficult. Where is the flow?? And then, my thoughts wander to baby number two, daughter number one..... 22 years old today! Happy Birthday, J! Thank you for the smile between the tears. With love, and a bit of perspective; smiles and tears sent your way, Mom

Vasistasana!

2007-01-25T20:19:00.000-05:00

For some reason this January I have been feeling particularly moved to go after my New Year’s “anticipations” with some pretty serious energy. In a manner like I cannot remember for past January’s. Maybe it is about the stage of my emptying nest, and I am somehow feeling particularly vulnerable (age), as well as particularly capable (youthful, and feeling a taste of more freedom). It begins to feel something like, all right, DO it Donna. Now or never! In many ways this is my life’s moment of prime. Now is the moment to make my body stronger, find an extra hour for yoga, take some time to walk daily, lose that bit of weight I keep talking about wanting to lose, go after that bigger client base I want to develop, and nurture the growing wisdom that continues to evolve from the years of single parenting and all the other events that have lead to my graying and thinning hair. All of this at once; right NOW!

And then the Divine within me speaks up and offers a soft quieting voice reminding me of the fine edge of change. The edge of change that straddles acceptance with the desire for movement. So, how do I navigate this edge? How do I balance my eagerness with what I understand and know are my limitations? How do I use what I know about myself to make my way in a manner such that I can anticipate a level of success I can feel good about, and yet not become so ambitious that I will feel defeated before I put my first foot forward?

As I ponder this, I bring myself back to my yoga practice, where I find a sweet combination of direct and metaphorical assistance to just about everything. As I consider some of my edges in yoga, I come to this beautiful, “Ah ha” of Vasistasana (Side Plank Pose). This is the pose that will become a focal point for my practice for the next stretch of time. The metaphor of Vasistasana, and the challenges it offers me are very apt. It is a balancing pose that requires strength, confidence, and a determined spirit. I generally bring myself into it, no problem, but fall out quickly, and then, the tendency is to walk away and not come back to it for a good long time. Not so unlike some other struggles in my life!

The benefit of taking care of business through yoga is that, not only is yoga a serious practice that brings me to a depth of understanding and insight about both myself and the world around me, but it is also a friendly, playful practice, that is patient, kind, and forgiving. So I will honor and nurture my space in Vasistasana, allowing it to become my play; the play that will help me guide my determined spirit with balance, strength, and confidence.

Donna

2007-01-21T22:47:00.001-05:00

Quietly I sit

Good intentions:
Empty my mind; create a
Loving Focus
Surely this is the making of the positive changes I seek.

My mind is a wander.
Gently, I pull the restlessness back.

Loving Focus; Doubts
Intent on anticipated, desired Movement.

Stillness persists, Mind moves
Change: inevitable, unpredictable
With a mask of stillness I fuss, protest and
Quietly allow all that is, just is.

Donna

New Year's Anticipations

2007-01-09T15:41:00.000-05:00

Less than half way through January, it is not yet too late to be contemplating what some refer to as New Year’s “resolutions”. I have decided this year not to call them that. In deference to the side of me that looks forward to looking forward, I am contemplating my New Year’s “anticipations”.

Also, being a therapist, being a human being that has lived on this planet for something more than 40 years, I understand that those pesky “resolutions” we make for ourselves are all about the desire for, not just change, but healing change. Well, change happens whether we plan on it or not, and whether or not the change is healing is often a matter of our state of mind. So, rather than approaching the inevitable with an underlying sense of punishing myself for all the things that “need” to be improved, I will anticipate that my past, whatever it is, will serve me well as I approach and look forward to what lies ahead for me in 2007.

As we resolve we are requesting healing of ourselves. As I anticipate, I approach my resolve with hope as well as confidence in my own capacity to understand myself, and make choices that will ultimately offer the healing I am most able and ready to receive. Not that I anticipate all things will necessarily come up rosy for me in the New Year. However, as I approach resolutions with an air of anticipation, I give myself a vote of confidence, rather than a punishing shake of a finger. I suspect that if more of us thought of our past with a mixture of forgiveness and gratitude, moving forward into healing changes would come more naturally, and with less suffering. If I can offer myself such compassion, I can offer that compassion back to the people I love and thereby the healing I give to myself is also offered back to the relationships that are most important to me.

Here’s to 2007, and all of its as yet unrevealed mysteries, and to our ability to anticipate with confidence the healing power of compassion.

Donna

Teaching Yoga in January

2007-01-07T23:05:00.001-05:00

January 8, Monday; 5:40PM at Bellvue

January 17, Wednesday; 5:40 at Rockefeller

January 22, Monday; 5:40 at Rockefeller

January 31, Wednesday; 5:40 at Rockefeller

Monday mornings, 10:30.... call to confirm class and for location: 315-885-3057

See November class postings for location of Monday and Wednesday evening's classes.

Donna

New Year's Eve Muse

2006-12-31T23:15:00.000-05:00

I find myself alone this New Year’s Eve. This is the classic social holiday, and in fact it is not unusual for me to find myself alone as the old year rings out and the New Year rings in. Teen age and young adult children commonly want to be with their friends. Generally I either let them go, or I have also been known to offer our home for their New Year’s Eve gatherings. Tonight, I find myself with one child visiting a friend in Alaska, one child visiting a friend in California, and the other 2 at local parties their friends invited them to, with plans to stay overnight. My night therefore, to muse alone, and take in where my life has brought me to this point, and to fantasize about what 2007 might offer. It is a pleasant opportunity for being quiet and alone in the midst of the flurry of comings and goings that accompany this time of year. The household has been particularly busy expanding and contracting this year. A symptom of my nest that is emptying, but still full, some of the time anyhow.

As for my being alone tonight, it is much better to be home than to worry about how to get myself someplace and then safely back home again after the magic midnight hour. Kids do overnights; grown-ups, generally not! So, I remain this evening in the quiet comfort of my home, not needing to think about myself or my kids safety as the party goers tonight make their way home.

Here’s wishing you and yours a Safe, Happy, and Prosperous New Year!! Warm Wishes to All!

Donna

Sounds of the Holiday

2006-12-10T13:14:00.000-05:00

My fondest memories of Christmas are of the music. Despite the overdoing of Christmas songs on some radio stations, and in the malls, and in almost every other public place you might find yourself, I still find that when I want to sink myself into the mood of the season, I look for the music. There is a deep resonance within as I quiet myself and allow the music to fill me. Something deeply familiar in the music recalls the innocence of childhood, and it's eager anticipation of what just might be offered. A time in life when the surprises of gifts and the mystery of Santa Claus filled childish fantasies, sometimes bringing wonderful gifts equal to the anticipation, sometimes offering disappointment. At that time in life however, disappointments in general were minor and easily recovered from.

So now as I find myself all grown up, and the Holiday approaching, the childish eagerness is replaced with, "Will I be able to do enough?", “Why do we have to do this every year?”, or “What can I do or offer to somehow bring meaning into this unavoidable event?” That childishness and eager fantasy seems, oh so far away. Yet, I know I can stir a sentimental place inside of me if I pull out of the most commercial and consumer driven venues and into either the quiet of my own home and my music, or find a holiday concert that will offer a public reassurance that the holiday can be more than spending money and driving the economy with unrealistic, unhealthy materialistic desires.

This weekend there were a couple of nice offerings….. the Gay and Lesbian Chorus held it’s holiday concert, as did the Syracuse Vocal Ensemble. Too late to attend those now. However… Next weekend:

The Syracuse Community Chorus, under the direction of Karen Mihalyi, will be offering their annual concert:

“A Call for Peace.”

Saturday the 16^th of December at 7:30 PM
Plymouth Congregational Church, 232 E. Onondaga St., downtown Syracuse.

Also, a very beautiful musical discovery I made a couple of weeks ago, is a CD available from the Syracuse Cultural Worker’s: Lullabies from the Axis of Evil. A deeply moving CD with 15 lullaby selections from the various countries that our President targeted as “The Axis of Evil” shortly after 9-11-01. This will be a hot item on my list of gifts to give this year. A good choice for those on your list who have trouble finding their tears.

Where ever you find it, I hope the season offers an occasion for the joy and remembrance that music stirs inside of you.

Peace of the Season to All.

Donna

Teaching Yoga in December

2006-12-04T13:17:00.000-05:00

Wednesday December 6, 5:40PM at Rockefeller Church in Syracuse, corner of Tecumseh and Nottingham Rd.'s

Monday, December 11 and 18, 10:30 AM, call for directions; 315-885-3057

Monday December 11 and 18, 5:40 PM, Bellvue Heights Church on Geddes St. in Syracuse

From Dana Faulds', Go In and In:

The Soul of Yoga

What is the soul of yoga?
Follow your heart into the
center of the pose and find
in the midst of detail and
precision, in breath, alignment
balance, bliss, fear and sadness-
at the very core of all of this
is love. Touch upon your
truest nature even once and
the experience of what you
really are sears the psyche
like the surface of the sun.
The soul of yoga, the gift
within the pose is the
moment of communion,
resting in pure essence,
the awakening as if from
sleep to the face of
unmistakable divinity;
the ineffable wonder and
living reality of spirit- oh
yes - the soul of yoga is love.

Holiday Rumblings

2006-11-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

So, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now it is time to hunker down and prepare for the big December Holiday rush that we all get caught up in, with or without any religious denomination. I hope everyone has survived Black Friday, with money still in the bank and without having to think of it as Black and Blue Friday. I understand that the competition for getting that favorite gift at the lowest price on the official opening day of the shopping season can sometimes become a day of not just crowds, but of brawls.

The holidays are challenging, because we face this uncomfortable dilemma of having to reckon with both our self and our family. It is proscribed that the rest of the world is meeting for friendly family gatherings, so if we choose not to we somehow become societal outcasts or unacceptably belligerent. Maybe; maybe not.

I have always preferred the Thanksgiving holiday over Christmas, or I should say, always since being an adult. I generally give the classic reasons for this. You know, there’s not the pressure of all that gift giving. Thanksgiving, in it’s ideal form, is truly a gathering within the loving embrace of family, and sometimes others; a gathering where we get to reflect and truly be grateful for the things we have, big or small, for which we know we can express true thanks. There is not the distasteful materialistic hype and pressure that is associated with Christmas, and the more secularized version of the December Holiday. There is not the pressure to know which of these you should be talking about when you greet people, the religious holiday (Christmas) or the secular holiday (The Holidays). Yet, I think there is, in addition, a somewhat more cynical reason for my preference for Thanksgiving.

The escape from family can be quicker at Thanksgiving. It is one meal on one day; the end. Well, I guess not entirely, the end. There is some pretty major preparation and clean up; maybe a day and a half total! Now don’t get me wrong, I truly love my family. I am very happy for the rest of the world creating a cause for our family reunion, which we do not otherwise have the ability to create for ourselves. And yet, there is this uncomfortable piece about “the family”. The pulsation of love them, can not stand them. Love them because they are the only people on the face of the earth that are unconditionally there for me, and who in their own bizarre, and not entirely accurate way, understand me. Can not stand them, because they are this very uncomfortable mirror that reflects me and how I got to be me. This pulsation gives both a powerful draw to them, and a feeling of intolerance as well. It is all the unique things that I understand and love and am proud of about my family that creates the draw, and at the same time, it is the intolerance of their craziness and knowing that I can get away quickly that makes Thanksgiving my preference. It is my fantasy too, that nobody else’s family can create quite the combination of meal and conversation that I live for on Thanksgiving.

So I indulge in this moment to offer thanks to my family. Thank you to my parents for having me and loving me. Thank you to my brothers for providing a loving model for my children of that gender with whom I have so much trouble making healthy intimate contact. Thank you to my children for being the best children that a mother could dream of having. Thank you to the rest of you, all of my family, who have loved me and made me who I am today.

With much love for a Happy, Healthy, and Meaningful Holiday Season for all. Donna

Why Yoga and Therapy?

2006-11-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

The metaphor between what happens in the body and mind becomes very direct when yoga and psycho-therapy are combined. Yoga stretches, strengthens, and brings the body into balance. Therapy stretches, strengthens and brings the mind into balance.

Yoga, as a physical discipline, gives us direct access to a practice using our skeletal (voluntary) muscle system. What goes on in our heads is less voluntarily controlled. Yet, what we do and how we heal and take care of our bodies directly impacts our mental health. In this way, yoga and therapy come together to heal the whole person. I use the word “heal” with an assumption that the process of living causes various levels of both physical and emotional injury for everyone.

Yoga is a more complete physical exercise than most other athletic systems. More complete, in that it offers a system that addresses not only the entire skeletal system, but in addition to offering muscle strengthening, the skeletal muscles are also very deliberately worked through their length, creating increased flexibility, and strength through the length of the muscles. Alignment becomes a means and a goal as the body works through various “asanas”. (Asana is the Sanskrit word for pose or posture. Next time you hear a yoga instructor give the name of a posture in Sanskrit, you might notice that the names of all of the postures end in “asana”). The variety of asana is as endless as the imagination, and limited only by the practitioners willingness to play.

The same effect that is obtained from a regular yoga practice will not be achieved by exercises such as running or bicycling, which are repetitive and focused on some, but not all, of the muscle groups. A cyclist or a runner, or any number of other classic athletes, will more easily get a thorough aerobic workout than a yogi or yogini, but they also have to be very wary of developing muscle shortening and imbalances, or a variety of joint injuries. In fact, many athletes are discovering that a yoga practice offers an important enhancement to their main game. This is not to say that someone who practices yoga can not develop injuries from their practice, of course we can and do. When done well, however, yoga can be a very effective therapeutic for the physical body. Which now brings me back around to my original topic.

As an effective form of therapy for the physical body, it is my firm belief that the yoga practitioner thereby addresses their psyche as the physical body is being offered important exercise towards a more functional and healthy bodily alignment. As a massage therapist, one of my favorite truths that I tell my clients is: “the issues are in the tissues.” When people hear that, generally they will at least smile, or sometimes laugh outright. The recognized humor in this statement speaks to a deeply understood truth. We all have experienced how our bodies are so adept at taking on form and shape, molded by the issues in our lives. A massage therapist can help you undo deep muscle tension. A psycho therapist will help you to address and uncover the issues in your life that bring on bodily tensions. A yoga practice however, will bring your awareness keenly to your habitual form, and help you to see and feel how you carry your life in your body.

My contention is that when we do that, we are better primed for our psychotherapy sessions. Yoga may be very good therapy, but I don’t believe it replaces good talk therapy. We are social creatures, and as much as we can develop good understandings of ourselves as we allow a closer and healthier relationship with our physical bodies, I believe we also need the affirmation and understanding that comes from having a healthy relationship with a good therapist.

So, to sum up why yoga and therapy: Yoga develops our own personal awareness of ourselves through a discipline that works towards our becoming well aligned, physically. This tuned in physical alignment moves our psyches in the direction of also becoming more well balanced and aligned, creating a beautiful opening for working with our therapists. The individual awareness developed during a potentially meditative yoga workout, gives the client access to important material. Serious yoga practitioners understand that yoga is much more than an exercise of doing daily asana, but that our lives take on their own unique asana. Having a therapist available to offer encouragement, understanding, and insight can create a very meaningful merging of modalities as yoga on the mat is brought to life off of the mat.

Donna

A Musical Note.....

2006-11-13T12:49:00.000-05:00

I have been singing with Hamilton College's community/college Oratorio Society on and off for a number of years. They do a major choral work every term. In the fall the concert is always the Tuesday evening after Thanksgiving. This years fall term performance will be:

Felix Mendelsohn's, St. Paul

Conducted by G. Roberts Kolb

Tuesday evening November 28, 2006
8:00PM
Wellin Hall in The Schambach Center for the Arts

on Hamilton College's Campus

The rehersals have been a lot of fun. It is truly a beautiful piece of music. Should be a nice performance.

Donna

November Yoga Classes

2006-11-13T12:30:00.000-05:00

I have been teaching yoga classes for Pam LeBlanc of "The Fit Biz" This month my schedule for her is:

Tonight, Monday the 13th at 5:40 PM at Bellevue Heights Church on S. Geddes St., Syracuse

Monday the 20th at 5:40 PM, Bellevue Heights Church

Wednesday the 29th at 5:40 PM at Rockefeller Church at Tecumseh and Nottingham Rd's in the Univeristy area of Syracuse

I also teach out of my house on an "as asked" basis. Have space for private, up to about 10 people. Let me know if you are interested in your own small or private class.

Thanks, Donna

Welcome to my "Blog" Page

2006-11-10T15:00:00.000-05:00

Wanted to see what would happen, if I put together a place where people could talk about the various therapies that I am interested in. I do "family therapy", teach yoga, and am also a massage therapist. I put family therapy in quotes, because sometimes people get confused, and think that if what I offer is family therapy, maybe they need to come in with their family in order to be qualified as a client. WRONG! Actually, not so terribly wrong..... every time a client comes in, as an individual, as a couple, with a friend, with another family member.... the rest of the family comes in with them as well. That is, like it or not, we all carry our families with us all the time.

I say I do family therapy, because that is the training that qualifies me as therapist. I graduated from Syracuse University with a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy in 2005. That is my formal academic training. My own personal training in family therapy started in my own family of origin, which I was born into on June 11, 1958. I am daughter of small town central New York mom, and Palestinian immigrant peasant father, sister of two brothers, one older, one younger. So, I am well placed to be the diplomat, and peace maker from my origins, and have played that role on many occasions throughout my lifetime. Long about my 23rd birthday I married a very succesful German Catholic man, successful primarily academically when I married him, but he went on to complete medical school, and do quite well for himself and our family over the years.

We have 4 children together, and did a very unskillful divorce together. Divorce was official by the summer of '99. Over the last years since the divorce, our children have complained to us about our unskillfulness, but despite ourselves, the kids have overall been quite succesful. The magic, people sometimes ask me..... what do you attribute your children's success to? I hesitate to respond with the first thing that comes to mind..... which is that they have been genuinely loved. Why do I hesitate to respond this way? Primarily because it sounds too easy, and also because too many people genuinely love their kids and still have all kinds of issues and serious difficulties with them. So, I am still working on a good answer to that question. Likely it is some magic combination of love, luck, and just enough pain mixed in to their lives to offer them some humility and incentive.

Yoga and Therapy

2006-11-10T14:58:00.000-05:00

I am interested in bringing yoga and therapy together. I thought a nice way to begin to do this might be to offer a yoga workshop to therapists. There was a lot of interest and enthusiasm expressed when I presented the idea, but no one signed up for my first attempt at trying to make this happen. If you are interested, let me know and let's see if we can get something going at a time and place that works for people!

Thanks,

Donna