tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75216765974849779622024-03-13T03:42:25.881-05:00Donna's Therapy BlogDonna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-14715264957200388472017-11-01T11:07:00.003-05:002017-11-01T11:07:59.687-05:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The following is the full text from my plenary presentation at the IFS annual conference, that I delivered on Saturday morning, October 28, 2017.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good morning. I want to start by acknowledging how overwhelming
it feels to parts of me to be given the opportunity to speak for my parts that
have been wounded by, and are healing from racism. I frequently have a part
that worries about finding the words to fill a space of time. Today however,
the concern falls more to: how can I Even Begin, to offer the context for what
I want to get across, in just a few short minutes? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am Palestinian. Even saying that feels charged. Forever, I
have had a part that has felt it necessary to say, “I am half Palestinian.” Or
to make a joke out of it and say, I’m half WASP and half Camel. As a kid
growing up in the ‘60s and ‘70s in a largely white upper middle class suburb of
Utica, NY, being Palestinian was not something that was emphasized by either of
my parents. I do not recall as a young person ever feeling pride when telling
people that I was “half Palestinian.” It was not something that was hidden, but
it certainly was not celebrated, or offered much historical context for me as
to what it means to be Palestinian. There were stories about my father and his
long multi-phased journey of how he got to Ithaca, NY; the heart-break his
family experienced as he left as a teenager, by himself for a far away land;
the sweet romantic story that he loved to tell of how he met my mom; but not a
lot around the Why of his departure from his birth home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A very notable moment in my family history came when my older
brother and I began producing grandchildren, and, all of a sudden my father
became the Palestinian grandfather. My four children, who grew up in close
proximity to their grandfather, became proud Palestinians. It was at this time
for me, alongside my own children, that I began to more fully claim being
Palestinian. Instead of being embarrassed by being so much browner than my
mother and most of my white friends, there came an opening of possibility that
that might Not be so bad; maybe it was even Ok. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So today I stand in front of you and let you
know: I am Palestinian. I can claim it fully. I can also claim fully that
I am British; I am Welsh; I am a smattering of other northern European
ancestors. And yes, I am Palestinian.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fast forward to a year ago. Last years Saturday
morning plenary at this very same IFS annual conference, many of you will
remember, offered a panel of extraordinary and brilliant Self-Lead loving
beings, many of whom are here speaking again this morning; all of whom spoke
with amazing eloquence for their marginalized, oppressed, and wounded parts.
Listening to and taking in their offerings was a profound experience for me.
And yet, as everyone else was leaving and exclaiming their awe and parting for
their morning workshops, there were tears that I could not hold back as I left
that session a year ago. Those tears came from my parts who <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>experienced the absence of a Palestinian voice
on that stage as a repeat of the pervasive and deliberate elimination of all
things and wounds Palestinian by so many other powerful institutions that
surround our daily existence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
deliberate and familiar choice my parts have come to expect of the erasure of
the Palestinian experience. My parts felt again that same familiar de-selection
from this community that I have strongly chosen to align with, and from whom I
have learned so much about unburdening, healing, and loving. The oversight, as
my parts perceived it a year ago, was now coming from the very community that
has offered Me the tools and resources for This Palestinians healing, tools
that have given me so much greater access to my own personal truths and wisdom.
In the relatively short space of time since I began my IFS training, I have
effectively used these tools in the service of healthier relationships and a
life that feels more content and complete than I have previously known. My
parts that teared up last year were confused and hurt. And now, I get to stand
in front of you and speak for my Palestinian parts, and their ongoing healing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As I do that, there are a couple of things that feel worthy of
being named. First, the demographic that I represent, is not a demographic that
is well represented in this room. Second, the demographic that I represent, is
not all that well represented in most rooms that you’ll randomly walk into in
this country. And, the demographic that I represent today is frequently
misrepresented and misunderstood by those who are not Palestinian. That being
said, I do not wish to, nor can I, represent all Palestinians. Just as with any
other group of people, we are diverse, and I am just and only one. And yet, I
am grateful to offer you a small window, into my world. Another important thing
that needs to be named, is that there is a significant Jewish representation in
this room. And, because I am Palestinian, I make a distinction between White Privilege,
and Jewish Privilege. I’ll also name, that I have parts that are exceedingly
aware, that the concept of Jewish privilege may be a challenge to some of you.
And, of course: all Parts are welcome. That’s why we are here. It is however,
important that I speak for my part that feels the Jewish privilege that belongs
to my friends and colleagues, and that my Palestinian parts can never
experience. And, It Is Important that discrepancy be named. My parts that hurt
and feel invisible, have come here as much as anything so they can be named,
and hence, be less invisible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One of the most important things that I have learned through my
process of preparing to speak here this morning, is a clearer understanding of
the requisite and complex entwining of my Personal and Legacy Burdens. These
burdens travel closely and are not always distinguishable, one from the other. The
protectors that manage my personally felt burdens, carry a deep historical
context, and are guarding and protecting me in my personal life and
relationships, Even as they may stem from an historical context. An historical
context, mind you, that this Palestinian has barely directly experienced in her
lifetime. And, the fact of that, “barely directly experienced” context, too
brings it’s own series of burdens. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As I spend time putting the legacy, the personal, the room I am
standing in, and the audience to whom I am speaking in context, the reminder
now is:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The burden I speak of is a
burden of invisibility. There are other burdens that travel with it:
irrelevance, erasure, and betrayal should be named; yet the burden of
invisibility is this mornings’ driver. In my lifetime, it has not been lost on
me that I can have trouble finding my voice. Yet, preparing to speak here
today, has not just highlighted, but has put an enormous Shining spotlight, on
just how pervasive and deep, the confusion of, “Is it Ok to speak?” can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
believe my plenary panel can attest to that for you! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has never been difficult to recognize a
gendered burden of needing to be sweet, agreeable, and kind. I now also
recognize the layers of burdening associated with the wounds and polarizations
of being Palestinian that contribute to the challenge of finding my voice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Significantly, there is a polarization between my Palestinian
Part that has been well taught to do things quietly, politely, and without a whole
lot of fanfare, or challenging of anyone, and a more activist Palestinian Part
that wants to Scream Out the egregious injustices that have been committed upon
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This activist part wants to set
straight so many misunderstandings and untruths about who the Palestinians are,
and would offer an important, little heard historical context of how we have
come to our plight. My gentle, “keep your mouth shut Donna,” part who quickly
defers to other voices, understands that being generous and likeable allows
relationship to grow and flourish. If any of you have ever befriended a
Palestinian, you understand just how deeply this can run in Palestinian blood.
The Palestinians are some of the most generous and hospitable people you will
ever in your lifetime meet. For instance, you need to be careful telling a
Palestinian woman that you like her jewelry; she might just take it off and try
to gift it to you. The more assertive activist part of me knows, however, that
if she never has a voice or significance she will never be seen. On a global level
the result of such silencing is genocide. Personally, the result of such
silence is a Profound and Lonely disconnection that carries the mantra: “they
don’t get it, they don’t get it, they will never get it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Self-Leadership brings a humane understanding to the healing
that is being sought between communities of conflict and unbalanced power
differentials. Actively exploring and witnessing my parts over the last several
months in preparation for this morning has offered me greater clarity, and
helped me to understand things that I have felt, but have not previously
understood very well. There are difficult dialogues that need to happen; and by
rights have begun happening in this community. Speaking for the Unbalanced
power differentials is an Essential piece in healing and shifting the
differential. I have parts that deeply long for more Palestinian voices in IFS
spaces. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, I am extraordinarily
grateful to be here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you for your
kind, generous, open-hearted listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-9090553867146766932012-12-23T17:44:00.000-05:002012-12-23T17:44:12.204-05:00Christmas Longings<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It is the season of so much nostalgia and tradition;
again. Funny how it creeps up on me
sooner and sooner each year. As I
contemplate Christmas this year, longings are the sugarplums that dance in my
head. It is the metaphor that continues
to capture me. Christmas, the holiday of
so much consumption, is also the holiday of reconnecting with those whom we
hold most dear. In a very cynical
analysis, this season of consumption that is so directed towards children,
teaches our young at the earliest and most tender age, that there is never
enough. We stir our children’s longings
for what they don’t or cannot have, and for what someone else determines they
most need, training within our babies, this sense of being incomplete, not good
enough. And, it seems that this feeling
of inadequacy, of not being or having enough, continues to be profoundly
familiar.<o:p></o:p></div>
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For me, I can count on having an awareness during the holiday
season of feeling that something relationally is missing. A relationship that didn’t materialize, or
maybe one that disappointed. It feels
quietly sad, and I hold it tenderly, within.
Others step up and fill the vacancy, and yet, there is a poignancy of
something not being quite right.
Longing, not always for material things, and yet Christmas places the
emphasis squarely on the material. Every year that passes I try to move away from
the consumptive part of the holiday, just a little. Yet, there remains a feeling of being empty
handed if I don’t have gifts wrapped up under the tree, or if there’s nothing
in hand as I show up at a festive gathering.
Am I enough? What do I have to
give? How can I sufficiently show my own
sensitivity and caring?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And, there’s also this amazing nostalgia that comes with
this the grand finale holiday that ends one year and begins another. I listen to the familiar songs, and
thoroughly enjoy the festive, cheery brightness they bring, never tiring of
them. I find myself wondering; do I
enjoy them so, because they are genuinely good music, or is it this soft
sentimental place within me that just wants to melt and feel the Peace, Love,
and Joy of the season? My heart weeps,
as I reminisce my own familiar longings.
My heart sings as I delight in gratitude for the loves that are mine and
always present. The tears and singing
join, and I appreciate that the longing and the gratitude intersect somewhere, where
the difference is so ill-defined, as to
disappear. The longing IS the love, and
without some degree of disappointment and loss, I would not feel its’ depth. The holidays bring our sentimental eager
vulnerable hearts to a place of great opening.
Here’s hoping that you find a place to share that opening with deep
gratitude. And, that any losses that are
felt are reminders of the greatness of your Love that is always present. May
the Peace, Joy, and Love of the Season be yours, Always. Donna<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-86931166290766870852012-10-09T00:06:00.001-05:002013-02-08T17:15:05.711-05:00A Therapists Quest for Therapy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="">One of the challenges, or possibly in turns,
indulgences, of being a therapist is the absolute necessity of doing the work
oneself. Right. I must figure out how to become the client. I have
understood this requirement of my chosen field from well before I entered
graduate school. And, as I have progressed through school, and some years
through working with clients, multiple trainings, etc. this essential aspect
has only been confirmed and re-confirmed. I have taken the responsibility
of, "doing the work", very seriously and could tell some pretty
interesting stories about what that means in terms of encounters with other
therapists. Very delicate business, being a therapist in search of a therapist.
Suffice to say that I have figured out at the very least that I am not going to
hire locally. So, I have discovered some
locals willing to do co-therapy with me, who are actually very good counselors,
though not formally trained therapists (thank you to the amazing RC community in
Syracuse, NY, and to my favorite local kindergarten teacher and counselor!). And, when I need a more formally trained
therapist, I have found myself, on the road.
Going on the road, and paying top dollar for therapy can be a bit risky. And when it doesn’t work; very
disappointing. Though, it absolutely
beats firing your local small town colleagues!</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After
having recently attended a professional workshop, I decided that the presenter
might just be a good person to approach to help me satisfy my longing to
experience really good professional therapy.
Not being entirely certain how he would feel about taking me on as a
client, with some trepidation, I asked.
And so it begins, the edging of personal and professional. He affirms that indeed it would be fine. Do I use my personal or professional
email? Do I intercept our client
therapist sessions, with therapist therapist questions? All of a sudden I am really a client. It was such a fascinating shift to move from
never really feeling quite safe enough, to finally actually allowing a
therapeutic relationship to happen. I do
know what a good therapeutic relationship feels like on the therapists end, but
now all of a sudden, I am a real client.
What to do! Nothing to do but to
drink it in. And so I do, for three 2
hour sessions in the space of three days.
A little like being on a retreat, I knew I was going to be in for a bit
of intensity. And yet, as on retreat,
you can never really know what will come of it, until it comes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Some
highlights: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This
huge sense and depth of feeling my looooonnnnnging. Words cannot even describe, and I am not even
sure I have fully wrapped myself around this.
But, I have a serious and deep respect for what longing is, and the many
dimensions of its existence in my life.
Not the least of which, it has no doubt made the search for the right
therapist an important quest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Enormous
respect for my clients. All of a sudden
being a real client, and this is not to say I have never before been a real
client, I have. But now as a therapist
having gone on this quest, I feel like I have a much greater appreciation for
the courage, dedication, and hard work that my clients do. I would always say that I love my clients,
have tremendous respect and gratitude for them, but there is something very
humbling that happens as I myself experience getting it right with a colleague,
that deepens my appreciation for my clients.
Anyone’s clients for that matter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Depth
of understanding how interwoven I am with the fabric of who my parents are: In these few hours of therapy, who my parents
are, and how their and my woundedness intertwines was offered up on a very
pretty silver platter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">An
affirmation of myself as a therapist. It
was comforting to receive from a practitioner who created space for me,
similarly to how I believe I create space for my clients, and to feel the
warmth, nurturance, and safety from that space. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Deeper
understandings of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), both as a recipient and a practitioner. EMDR was an important part of these sessions,
and a significant part of what I was experiencing and observing, as both client
and therapist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finally: Having
traveled a distance, I was lucky enough to find a cabin on a lake to stay in
for a couple of nights. There was a row
boat at this cabin. My previous
experience with row boats has been minimal, but very pleasant and happy. This time around, as I went to get in the
boat, I found myself getting confused about how to sit, how to orient the oars,
and how to create that wonderful easy row boat experience. Before I could even get in the boat, I had already
bailed about 6” of water out of it; after having made that effort, I was not
going to allow a bit of confusion to defeat me.
I got out, went back up to the cabin, found a picture on the internet to
orient myself, went back down, got back in, and off I went. The ride was not perfectly smooth, but there
were many metaphors playing in my head, about the nature of my life, my getting
to that beautiful spot, and not really quite understanding how to fully work
with it. I had a very lovely, short and
somewhat clumsy ride in my boat. Saw a
couple of loons and heard their gorgeous song, and went back to my cabin
satisfied, knowing that the ride is never quite the dream you think it will be,
but it is still my ride. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Cochin; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Donna</span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-45921846440223530902012-09-06T12:03:00.001-05:002012-09-06T12:03:58.856-05:00Last of Summer, First of Autumn<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I recently went on vacation, and had a really wonderful
time. I did not go a huge distance away,
did not fill my days with endless exciting new and different activities. In many respects, I basically did a lot of
what I do at home, but I did it on vacation, and hence it was many times easier
and more enjoyable. I rented a small
housekeeping cabin in the Adirondacks on a tiny lake a little bit north of
Saratoga Springs, NY, and arrived there prepared to do most of my own food preparation
(only went out for one meal in 5 days), as well as to hunker down and do some
work and some studying. I took time
every day to go outside and either hike, canoe, or swim, but the vast majority
of my time was spent inside, reading, and listening to music. When I am home, the food preparation feels
much more tedious; the work reading frequently gets relegated to a time when I
am already too tired to keep my eyes open and my attention focused; and even if
my client schedule is reasonable, with breaks and time to get things done, it
frequently feels like things don’t get done.
Then I am off and running in a cycle of getting down on myself,
dragging, and getting even less done.
So I wonder, what is so different about pulling myself out of my home
and basically doing what I would be doing at home anyways, that makes it so much
easier to do while away in a cabin on a lake, with barely the creature comforts
of home? There is no doubt something to
be said for being in a calm quiet secluded and beautiful location. And yet, it is hard to say that that alone is
sufficient to have made the difference. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I imagine the so good feeling of a relaxing vacation that
is not filled with a lot of excessive busy-ness feels good differently for
everyone who is lucky enough to be able to take that time. For me, I do think that isolating a period of
time, a space, and limited number of activities takes away some of the bigger
overwhelm that happens when I am just home and all of a sudden everything is
beckoning, and choosing what comes first becomes so hard that, sometimes
anyhow, nothing comes first. September
is now upon us. The great outdoors is
still warm and welcoming. Schedules
re-adjust again as even the world of people who don’t go to school, notice, account
for, and accommodate the populations that do.
Again, maybe it is my own personal nostalgia, but there is something
about the September air that is uniquely inviting. Maybe it feels that way, because I am coming
off of what has become my traditional August vacation? Whatever it is, I hope you feel it too, and
have a wonderful last of Summer and first of Autumn! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Donna <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-91927484704867495032012-07-16T14:52:00.001-05:002012-07-16T14:52:59.456-05:00Never take anything personally<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Again. As with most true wisdom, the directive is
very simply laid out, but not so simple to truly understand or live. So often people come in precisely because of
how difficult and hurtful their lives are feeling, and precisely because they
are taking so much in their relational lives personally. It may be a bit insensitive to just tell
them: “Don’t take it personally; you need to get over it.” The underlying truth that I understand
however, is that when you take the offense that is offered, intentionally or
not, personally, you are giving in to the vulnerability of the other person. This is where we all tend to get
confused. As an example, a young woman
came to me recently speaking of a very small conflict with her boyfriend. She asked him a question, he answered her,
she misunderstood, and didn’t follow through with the relatively simple
information he had offered her; she asked again, and then he responded to her
sharply. The follow up was awkward
silence, followed by a more serious with holding of conversation, and confusion
on both of their parts. Why should this
have been so upsetting? Why is this
hurtful? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship, and it
does not need to be a committed couple relationship, recognizes this
scene. Very simple, and seemingly
benign misunderstandings, and the fall out becomes so much more than what would
seem to be warranted. The reason for the
hurt and confusion is inevitably so much more about themselves than it is about
the other person. She needed to be more
certain of herself, that her initial question and confusion was not a big deal,
not a statement about her worth or intelligence. He needed to be less rigid about her getting
it exactly right the first time, probably also an indication of some of his own
self-doubts. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll offer also that the second part of trying not to take
anything personally is listening.
Listening broadly and expansively.
Listening to words that are being said, of course; but also listening to
body language and temperament, of the speaker, and of yourself. When listening is deep and thoughtful, you
can hear the story so much more completely.
And, from there you can understand that the hurt that is being felt is
not just yours, but the other persons also.
This is the key to not taking it personally. Getting defended becomes so much less
necessary. It is no longer a pointing
the fingers blame game. Now you have two
human beings who have their own separate histories and their own situational
triggers. That is really what
relationship offers us, this beautiful opportunity to go into our triggers with
someone who will offer us a degree of safety.
Fear creates the need to shut down, respond sharply, or blame someone
else. A safe loving relationship offers
the opportunity to see the vulnerability in our self and in our partner, and
through that sharing offer each other the healing of compassion and
understanding. Donna<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-106862755061204722012-03-17T14:10:00.001-05:002012-03-17T14:11:56.097-05:00Hurt<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>782</o:Words> <o:characters>4463</o:Characters> <o:company>Change in Motion Healing Arts</o:Company> <o:lines>37</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>10</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>5235</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>14.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> 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unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">I sometimes struggle with how to make this blog both personal and professional. So, here goes yet another attempt. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">A wounded heart, “Hurt”, happens when we take things personally. An adage that I have come to deeply appreciate in the work that I do with clients, is: “Never take <b>anything </b>personally”. The question becomes, how can you not? As a resilient, graceful, self-aware individual, you just might be able to pull it off, but alas, we are not always so well poised. When someone does something to hurt you, it is inevitably because they are not paying attention to a situation, or to themselves, and therefore the insult is handed to you, but really a function of where that person is, and of their own Hurt. The inflicted hurt (upon you) usually comes either from a relationship where you believe the other person cares about you, and you would not, therefore, expect an intentional hurt being thrown your way, or from something that someone says carelessly, that you might bring more meaning to than what was actually intended, in their unskillful carelessness. And now, a difficult cycle has begun. Someone with unawares or in carelessness has flung some ugliness around; you’re hurt; you sling it back at the offender; they’re now hurt again, and more deeply than they were when they first threw the insult your way; they now either fling it back again, Even Worse, or become defended and denying, making your original hurt even More Worse, and on and on. What to do??!!<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So yes, I did. I got myself into one of these little cycles recently. Being the evolved, self-aware therapist that I like to think of myself as, I thought to myself, I will not sling back to the offender who threw out to me. I know better. I will express my Feelings; I will Explain how and why I was hurt. Well, the difference was a mere splitting of hairs, and off we went into our little cycles. And to the credit of both of us, I think we are hanging in pretty well, at least for the moment. Despite our imperfect attempt at being evolved mature beings who never take anything personally, there does seem to be an understanding that we’ve tried to do it right, and that even underneath the ignorance of slinging hurts at each other, there is ultimately an obvious element of caring between us. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So here’s where I get to go a little professional in my thinking about this. I have heard many people, this friend included, clients, various other friends, and family members plea to me: “Does there always have to be so much analysis?” Can’t we just live and let live? Does there always have to be something underlying? And my compassionate response is generally, yes, you are right, there really are moments when you just live and let live. But deeper inside somewhere, I tend to always question that response, and wonder if I am really being honest. So, here’s a more genuine (from my perspective) answer to that question. In any given moment of interacting with someone, hopefully you are not staring at that person, wondering what awful childhood history they might have that is going to make it impossible to tell them the simplest thing about what you might be having for dinner that night. Right, I think we’ve all got that. However, when the conversation with people gets beyond the mere superficial, if you have not done enough of your own “homework”, and have a fairly honest sense (can be read here as “analysis”) of what does and doesn’t feel so good for you personally, it will be that much more difficult to really get it right with someone when you most want to. That is, the more personal analysis, exploration, self-awareness, what ever it is you want to call it, that you can tolerate, the more you will be ready when conversations get beyond the superficial with the people you care the most about.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Frequently on this page, I have accused myself of always bringing the conversation back to Love. Well, here I go again. In order to be able to do that difficult self-work, and hence to tolerate it, we have to be able to see our own hurts with loving compassion, not blame ourselves, and ultimately be open to the fact of and depth of, our own hurts. The resistance to acknowledging all of that keeps us away from both knowing and loving ourselves. That very knowing and loving of oneself is the crucial place from which empathy for another begins. And, I would suggest that empathy is some of the most fertile ground from which loving relationships begin. So yes, figuring out, understanding, growing in self-awareness, being courageous enough to do that work is fundamental to growing healthy and satisfying love relationships. It is an ongoing life long process that is never complete. And so long as we are living in relationship, and have not isolated ourselves from the rest of humanity, it is the essence from which we not only are able to do relationship well, but from which we further grow and know ourselves better. So that scary question, “Does it always have to be so much analysis?” becomes less scary, and it just happens. Not the answer most of the world wants to hear. But from where I sit, it just is; the fabric of our being, the fabric of honesty, and the fabric of love. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> Donna</o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-40933433755680369592012-02-14T16:19:00.002-05:002012-02-14T16:22:24.804-05:00Valentine's Day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>200</o:Words> <o:characters>1141</o:Characters> <o:company>Change in Motion Healing Arts</o:Company> <o:lines>9</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>2</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>1339</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>14.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 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<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">Over the years I have never made much of a fuss over Valentine’s Day, but I do enjoy watching people put on their red, and try extra hard to put Love and Loving a little more in their focus. And, as a single woman in my 50’s, it does warm my heart that my father still is around and very faithfully remembers to send me a Valentine’s message every year, without fail. It is nice to know that there is someone out there whose heart still beats for me!<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">This morning’s yoga poem that I stumbled upon, amongst my complete collection of Danna Faulds, and read to my faithful small morning yoga class, was particularly perfect for Valentine’s Day. I could not have chosen a more perfect selection if I had tried!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">From her collection, From Root to Bloom: Yoga Poems and Other Writings</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">There Is Love Here</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p>I feel the warm</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">embrace of spirit<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">flowing into me<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">from somewhere<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I can’t see. There <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">is love here, arising<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">inside me as naturally<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">as the sky brightens<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">before dawn – love<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">enough to fill all of us,<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">and more besides.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The spontaneous grace<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">of the divine is moving<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">through the universe,<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">unfazed by fear or <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">obstacles of any kind.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Yes, it’s clear<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">there is love here.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">May all of you sweet blog readers be touched by love that is here and there and everywhere, Always!<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Happy Valentine’s Day. Today and every day, feel the Love!<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Donna<o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-15730596785099530832011-11-15T20:46:00.002-05:002011-11-15T20:49:25.258-05:00Posture metaphors and Handstand<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>713</o:Words> <o:characters>4068</o:Characters> <o:company>Change in Motion Healing Arts</o:Company> <o:lines>33</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>9</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>4772</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>14.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> 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<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">One of my favorite metaphors that many yoga teachers offer during Warrior 2 relates to not only obtaining balance through good alignment in the posture, but likening that balance to how we position ourselves in our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So, if you can picture warrior 2:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>front leg with your knee offering a right angle between the thigh and calf, thigh bone parallel to the earth, back leg with the pinky toe side of your foot offering your anchor into the mat; head, neck, and torso perpendicular to the horizon, creating a plum line from the crown of your head down through your groins dropping into a spot just about equidistant between your feet.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Arms are at shoulder height spread out with the front arm in line with the front leg, back arm in line with your back leg. Warrior’s gaze is forward, looking out over the front arm, while your torso is in the side plane of your body.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Hmmmm…. I should figure out how to import a drawing of it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It sounds much more complicated than it is.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Warrior two is a very solid stable posture.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The language that I love that teachers use refers to the back leg representing our past, and all that is behind us, our memories, all of what we carry with us, good and bad; it brings us to where we are today.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The front leg represents where we are heading, our goals, the future.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And the torso, where the balance of the posture is kept is the immediate present moment.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The dynamic of this posture is held by the solidity of the core, being totally present while at the same time there is no escaping the attention that must be given to past and future, because the stance holds it’s foundational footing in both of these, while the core reminds us that to be balanced, we must keep our core, our center, focused and centered, very present.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It is a beautiful metaphor.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Especially as a teacher, as you bring your gaze around to a room full of yogis and yoginis taking the posture, and observe how people find their “balance” in various gestures of imbalance.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Understanding the metaphor, and watching people leaning into their past or future, I get a tender feeling, that I am in a room full of sacred beings mindfully accessing themselves. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Watching a class as each of the participants focuses and draws themselves into the posture, witnessing the introspection as it finds it’s perfectly imperfect solid stance, holding sacred lives in the balance is extraordinary and humbling.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">What does all of this have to do with handstand?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Handstand is one of my challenge postures.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It frequently feels like I have a love hate relationship with it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Though, I will generally speak of handstand very fondly.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And yet, as I think of the Warrior 2 metaphor, I begin to have an even deeper appreciation of why handstand offers the challenge that it does.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>There’s no back leg or arm, no front leg or arm, just straight up pure and solid.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And, Upside down.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And then we balance on what?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The smallest flat surface available…. our hands!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>All yoga postures bring us to challenge by finding balance through some combination of strength and flexibility.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If there is not enough flexibility, the necessary alignment in order to create balance will not be found.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If there is not enough strength, we will not be able to hold or sustain our balance in the posture.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So yes, even handstand which is a very powerful posture requiring a lot of strength, must keep it’s delicate balance through a stance of being totally present in the here and now.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The power of understanding that and the contrast that handstand offers in comparison to any of the warrior postures has been very striking to me recently. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So when I take the three elements that are required to achieve a posture:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>balance, strength, and flexibility, and then I humbly observe myself as I fumble intermittently with something that I know I basically have what it takes to kick myself up into (at a wall mind you, you will not see me doing handstand in the middle of a room without another human being spotting me in this life time!) again, I witness myself and draw the metaphor into my present life, and realize:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Yes, I should be practicing a little more deeply, and a little more diligently.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The ah-ha comes however, from realizing, that despite the growth I have achieved over the years in my practice, I can still easily slip out of being able to access a posture that I know is a lot stronger than what it was the first time I kicked up into it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And, it doesn’t have anything to do with how strong or how flexible I am.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It has everything to do with my getting purely balanced and keeping my focus present.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Maybe, just maybe if I brought some more due diligence to meditation, I would have the presence needed to balance the strength and flexibility that I know are available to me.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> Donna</o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-89184540042903472752011-09-26T21:43:00.001-05:002011-09-26T21:46:47.870-05:00Preferences, No?<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">Those of us who live and wander in the yoga world, I think sometimes get so full of ourselves that we begin to think that we should or could actually become enlightened!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>We go to yoga class regularly, have our own home practice, meditate, never judge other people or ourselves, and we have no preferences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ok, Ok, maybe I sound a little full of myself right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But seriously, what would it be to have no preferences, or to be an enlightened being?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>No preferences, quite possibly is offered as a direction rather than something to actually achieve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>However, even as a direction, it is so unattainable, it seems that it may serve us better as a reminder that we live here on this physical plane in material form so that we can learn something about how to live an earthly life with ego and personality actually intact, from the place of our individual differences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Balance, everything always comes back to Balance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Those beautiful yoga poses that challenge, always seem to throw us off balance, reminding us that that is the reason we found our way to a yoga studio in the first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>A life skillfully lived finds the balance between resisting the temptations the ego dangles in front of us while, allowing all of our very unique imperfections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It is when we can offer ourselves the truth of temptations, imperfections, and yes, even our desire to judge; see these, embrace them, and not feel threatened by them that the balancing act, on and off the mat becomes so much more attainable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>When we awaken to the truth of what makes and creates us the mortal imperfect beings that we are, it is then that the desperate need to control falls back, and we can enjoy a life floating from one balancing act to another from a stance of easeful contentment, even if we sometimes trip and fall. Donna<br /></p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-84623737977410346612011-09-05T10:17:00.003-05:002011-09-05T10:32:49.588-05:00Update to my last postThe memorial concert of Mozart's Requiem, after having to get picked up off the floor heroically by our director, Chuck Schneider, is still happening, but with a change or two due to the financial distresses of the times: Instead of taking place at the historic Stanley Theater in Utica, NY, it will now be taking place at the historic Grace Church, also in Downtown Utica, NY. Grace Church is equally as beautiful, but not nearly as large, so arrive early to guarantee yourself seating! Also, the time has been moved up to 3:00 PM, on Sunday September 11, not 4:30, as posted below. And, instead of being accompanied by Chuck's select orchestra from the various local orchestra's in upstate NY, we will now be accompanied by renowned pianist, Andrew Russo, also an incredibly talented musician from the Central New York area. We have down scaled and down sized, but it will still be a beautiful event worth your while. Please Come!!<br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-5889211167697068602011-07-18T09:14:00.004-05:002011-07-18T09:36:27.997-05:00A couple of AnnouncementsKIRTAN! In my home yoga studio on Saturday July 30th 7:30 PM with Michelle Angel. I understand that part of what she will bring to this event will be a trio of large gongs to create a "gong bath"!! If you find yourself in the greater Syracuse area, and are interested in attending, contact me and I'll help you get there. You can go to my web page at www.changeinmotionhealingarts.com to contact me.<br /><br />Laughter Yoga: I am now leading the 8:00 laughter yoga line at 8:00 AM Eastern Time on Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday mornings, while Rebecca Foster takes a smiling breather from doing this every single day for something well over 2 years. If you would like to laugh with me dial into the line at: 712-432-3900; when prompted touch in: 6071292# If you want to laugh at other than 8:00 in the morning, you can dial into this line every single day at the top of 14 out of 24 hours every day and laugh with lots of different laughter leaders for anywhere from 12-20 minutes: Go to www.laughteryogaamerica.com for more information.<br /><br />9-11 10th year Anniversary Memorial concert at the Stanley Theater in Utica, NY on Sunday September 11, at 4:30 PM, under the direction of Charles Schneider. We will be singing Mozart's Requiem. Several choral groups from the greater Utica area are joining voices for this event. You will see me in the alto section standing (singing!) with my mother and my aunt!!<br /><br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-8722462568909474662011-07-07T07:39:00.001-05:002011-07-07T10:52:27.201-05:00Lessons in Buying a Used Car!<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal">A lot of energy has been spent in the last month or more in finding and acquiring a used car for my daughter, who has been living in Africa for the last six months. She will be coming back State side soon, about to enter graduate school at Cornell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ithaca is a very cool small city, that caters well to it’s large college population, but is still enough of a small city, that having a car will be quite useful for little things, like finding ones way down the hill to the other side of town to shop at the “Green Star”, local food co-op, and making the hour long trip home every now and again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> </p><p class="MsoNormal">Many lessons learned in the process of purchasing this car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>First and foremost, just because the car sales man who happens to be representing a private seller, isn’t selling the car through his dealership, doesn’t mean he isn’t still basically a car sales man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Second:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>If you are going to buy a car long distance, make sure that the third party mechanic you hire sees the car a minimum of two weeks before you fly so that you won’t be stuck with a non-refundable plane ticket the day before you travel to pick up the car!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Third:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Remember the first lesson, and don’t be fooled into thinking that guy that is still basically a car sales man is a nice guy just because he has a friendly sounding, almost southern drawl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Fourth:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Recognize that even if you get a good deal, which is difficult to truly do when you are buying a used car, NY State will make sure to worsen the deal when you go to register the car and end up paying an additional 8% to NY State in sales tax!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Can’t touch all the corporate and wealthy America tax breaks and loop-holes, but let’s tax everyone who finds themselves buying a used car; at 8%. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Fifth:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>If you happen to find yourself in the Dept. of Motor Vehicles on the Tuesday after a long holiday weekend to register your used car, bring a small novel to read, and expect to finish it!</p> <p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">All’s well that ends well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It is a nice little Gulf TDI, a perfect grad student car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And will blend well with all the throw back hippies still living in Ithaca!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Donna<br /></p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-88872879564416371612011-05-26T16:23:00.001-05:002011-05-26T16:25:16.618-05:00Justine's VersionMore descriptive, and with a couple of pictures thrown in.... definitely worth the read.<br /><br />afrikavocado.wordpress.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-15360461311787810932011-05-25T17:53:00.002-05:002011-05-25T18:00:04.413-05:00Dakar, and then Home!<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal">We got home at about 3:00AM on Tuesday, just yesterday that is!<span style=""> </span>To conclude the rest of what we did: As predicted we ate good Palestinian family cooking, and were entertained by the family for the duration of the last 2-3 days in Amman.<span style=""> </span>Then, on the evening of the 17<sup>th</sup> we flew to Dakar, Senegal, arriving on Wednesday afternoon, the 18<sup>th</sup>, meeting up with Justine (older daughter), who flew into Dakar from Bamako, Mali, arriving about 30 minutes after we did. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Justine served as our tour guide in Dakar, and thank goodness, because her French is basically fluent, and if you do not speak French or the native Wolof, you will mostly not be understood.<span style=""> </span>Dakar was my first Africa experience, and it was quite an eye opener.<span style=""> </span>I have traveled in the Middle East a handful of times in my life, both as a child and as an adult, so I am not unfamiliar with what it means to stand out and look like an American tourist, or what it is like to speak to someone who speaks broken English, and then feel stupid for expecting the native of another country to understand my imperialist language, or what it means to go to an open air market, and have the vendors pester you until you pay attention to them, and hassle over the price until you feel both ripped off, and again like an ugly American for not just letting them get the excessive price they were asking for….. After all as a basically middle class American, I have far more privilege and access than the average flea market (“Souk” in the Middle East) vendors; their goods, even at a somewhat inflated price, are still lots cheaper than I could get them for in the States, and so what if I overpay.<span style=""> </span>I am visiting briefly, and if I can boost their economy even just a tiny bit, maybe that is a good thing; my small tourists gifts at inflated prices are not going to break my bank.<span style=""> </span>Excess baggage fees are much more likely to do that, and you won’t see me, or anyone else, haggling over those!<span style=""> </span>All of these experiences that I have had many times before were true again in Africa, the difference being that it was all many times more intense.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Instead of being only mostly obvious as an American tourist, and sometimes being able to blend in because I basically look like an Arab, until I don’t dress or speak like an Arab; in Senegal we stuck out like sore thumbs.<span style=""> </span>Instead of being able to count on someone speaking the Western language that I speak, I had to either fumble with 30+ years old bad high school French, or hope that they might speak better English than my bad French, or (what was usually the case) count on Justine to translate or just speak for us.<span style=""> </span>Instead of the vendors being a little pushy, they were persistent in a way that you cannot even imagine.<span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span>As we were walking along the street at any given time, someone who has something to sell, which seemed to be almost everyone, would begin to walk next to us, and then speak to us, telling us that they had something for a good price, and would hold whatever it is that they are selling in front of our path, making it very difficult to ignore them.<span style=""> </span>If you were to try to ignore them, they keep speaking, and walking along side or in front of you.<span style=""> </span>If you continue to ignore them, they might try speaking to you in English (generally they would try French first); they might go back and forth between their good French, and broken English.<span style=""> </span>If you begin to speak to them to tell them you are not interested, they then know that they have your attention, and have won round one.<span style=""> </span>Now they begin to tell you that what ever it is they are selling is beautiful, is a good price, etc.<span style=""> </span>Please come to my shop.<span style=""> </span>Over and over, I was truly impressed.<span style=""> </span>Despite themselves, the street vendors, as unrelenting and pushy as they were, were generally very friendly and likeable, making it that much harder to ignore them.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">There is more to Dakar, however, than just pushy street vendors.<span style=""> </span>Again, as we did everywhere on this trip, we ate very well, including a meal offered at the home of Justine’s Senegalese family from her college study abroad experience.<span style=""> </span>We took in some historical sites, found our way to 3 different beeches, and to the open market (as opposed the random street vendors, sprinkled throughout the streets), and enjoyed breathing in the colors of Senegal.<span style=""> </span>Indeed the colors of Senegal are truly spectacular.<span style=""> </span>I bought a post card or two that showed off the colors, but it was not difficult to take a picture at any given moment and create a spontaneous post card.<span style=""> </span>Wherever we went where there might have been a crowd of people, the show of color was always bright, vibrant, and truly beautiful.<span style=""> </span>The cloth that is used for clothing for anyone, anytime, dressing up or not, is always vibrant, bold, and colorful.<span style=""> </span>Senegal was truly breathtaking.<span style=""> </span>We took in the tiniest taste of a tiny slice of this very grand continent.<span style=""> </span>I hope to be blessed with more African adventures before I get too old to want to deal anymore with airports and airlines!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Donna</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-52953134065061245462011-05-11T16:23:00.000-05:002011-05-13T15:40:45.109-05:00JordanHad a beautiful three days in Turkey with Ruth, especially because the sun decided to come out in time for her portion of my stay.<br /><br />We are now in Jordan. Arrived in Amman Monday evening, and we are now deeply appreciating the hospitality of the family. It is a true luxury to be fed, housed and toured by family who live here and can offer a very significant safety net. We are in Aqaba today, a beautiful port city in the very southern tip of Jordan on the Red Sea. A full day of sun and salt water today, and tomorrow we will drive to Wadi Rum.<br /><br />Wadi Rum is a section of desert in Jordan surrounded by rocky mountains, a favorite destination for nature lovers and geologists! The last couple of days in Jordan will be spent being entertained and dined in the homes of several different family members. A very serious treat to indulge in the family cooking and generosity. It is a dining experience that is truly not to be matched anywhere.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3U1aCSVQEtEZdDIEeMMdrEBBj6Ya-fKDnSdlCbcJFRHrNUu1S32E_5OBLTgM_Nolb4GIL-KaJTdm4mazKWH9-NIU470mkMJtpsoxD061K7N_gWkWdiC7dzHR06ikUxftUeSvZlRd-uV4/s1600/travel-photo.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3U1aCSVQEtEZdDIEeMMdrEBBj6Ya-fKDnSdlCbcJFRHrNUu1S32E_5OBLTgM_Nolb4GIL-KaJTdm4mazKWH9-NIU470mkMJtpsoxD061K7N_gWkWdiC7dzHR06ikUxftUeSvZlRd-uV4/s200/travel-photo.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5605573120586935458" border="0" /></a><br />Our hotel in Aqaba.<br /><br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-10601353992011819142011-05-06T09:04:00.002-05:002011-05-06T09:12:39.073-05:00Ruth arrives today!<pre wrap="">I'm definitely ready to have a partner to help me stumble along in this big city where I don't speak the language. I keep wishing that the few words I know in Arabic would be helpful, but even that is very minimal. It keeps occurring to me that there are some basic questions that I would know how to ask in Arabic, but if someone tried to answer them for me I would not understand their answer!! This is when I join my children in feeling the deep frustration that the language was not passed on from father/grandfather.<br /><br />Noon: Blue Mosque, the interior anyhow, still awaits. Arrived, yet again in time for prayers. And just in time also to see swarms of children lined up to go inside and pray! Oh that I could go in to observe the faithful, young and old!<br /><br />Almost 3:30 now. Had light "mezze" for lunch, which is decidedly different from mezze in a Lebanese or Palestinian restaurant. The difference being more in presentation. In Arabic style, you would likely get a very large spread of a variety of different appetizers, lots of pocket bread to dip into and serve them with, and maybe an olive condiment plate to go with it. Yesterday and today when I ordered mezze it came on a single plate with cucumbers tomatoes and carrots underneath a circle of about 4 different dips, a couple of cheeses, and a small basket of white bread that was nothing to write home about. The dips and veggies were good, but the whole thing was pretty understated compared to how I have come to think of mezze.<br /><br />And then I proceeded to the Blue Mosque, which was anything but understated!! These <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=blue+mosque+istanbul&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi&biw=1090&bih=623">pictures of the Blue Mosque via Google images</a> are much better than the ones I can take.<br /><br />Now I wait for a little leas than an hour to pass, and my ride will take me to the airport to pick up my daughter Ruth, and then take us to a different hotel, not so far from this one. Depending on how tired she is we may go out for dinner with a roof top view that is supposed to be about the best in the city, along with some Turkish dancing entertainment.<br /><br />Donna</pre><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-3228380302390098412011-05-05T14:00:00.000-05:002011-05-05T14:04:26.049-05:00Today's meandering<div>Well, I never got to the blue mosque yesterday, but discovered that it is literally about a 5 minute walk from my hotel. So, as I strolled in the rain in the direction of the Blue Mosque, I discovered crowds of tourist looking people getting in line, and a sign for "Basilica Cistern", so I stood in line, slightly protected from the rain, then headed inside to see this most unusual underground Basilica. Dark, damp, water, and beautiful columns. Lonely Planet tells that it was built by Justinian in 532. The feature to find in this underground relic are the carved heads of Medusa at the bottom of a couple of columns in one of the back corners of the cistern. Found them, read an interesting story about the myth of Medusa, and enjoyed seeing her carved head once upside down (my favorite!) and once sideways. </div><div><br /></div><div>After the dark and damp of the cistern, I emerged, and stepped into the, too much like Syracuse damp of the outdoors, and promptly found a vendor who could sell me an umbrella. I continue my walk towards the Blue Mosque, and quickly make my first, and hopefully my last, single American woman traveling alone mistake. A man approaches me and begins to speak to me in broken English; I hesitantly reply, but don't shoo him off. Before all is said and done he has my first name, tells me the Blue Mosque is closed for prayers, and escorts me to the head of the line for the Aya Sophia museum, then tells me that maybe he will see me again, and leaves as I head into Aya Sophia. I think to myself, thankfully he's gone, and what is the likelihood of seeing this guy again??</div><div><br /></div><div>I enter Aya Sophia, and literally spend a couple of hours drinking in the awe and beauty of the place. The ancient sacred art of Islam juxtaposed with Christian art offers an honest perspective on the history of peoples who share a common beginning. The holy building is grand with a very high domed ceiling with all kinds of beautiful mosaic. The walls, columns, and flooring are all marble. As I walk, I both crane my head to see what is above in the ceiling art, and I look down and sideways marveling at the sheer volume of incredibly beautiful marble. I enjoy playing with my camera, wondering if I will be able to capture the magnificence with my cameras eye. As I emerge from this "museum"/holy building, I realize that the sun has come out, and I have a skype text from Justine! At which point, I find a park bench and sit in the sun and chat from my iPhone in Istanbul with my daughter in Bamako, Mali, about my son who was in Syria, and who has now landed safely with family in Amman, Jordan! The wonders of technology!! </div><div><br /></div><div>I then begin to head back to my hotel and low and behold creepy guy calls out to me, "Donna! Would you like to come into my shop?" At which point I do shoo the guy off. He is obviously agitated, tells me that I have "broken his heart" and says some awful thing about what will happen when I die. Like I say, inshah'allah (look it up in Wikipedia) I will not see this guy again, and lesson learned. </div><div><br /></div><div>Off to the Grand Bazar, or possibly Istiklal Jedeci today, and Blue Mosque probably tomorrow. </div><div>Donna</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-35480232918798785702011-05-04T10:07:00.001-05:002011-05-04T10:11:01.088-05:00Istanbul!Yesterday I arrived in Istanbul after an unexpected hiccup at the outset of my trip. I had purchased a ticket that would allow me to visit my son who has been studying Arabic in Aleppo, Syria since October, flying through Istanbul. Because he is leaving Syria early, due to recent events of the "Arab Spring", and there is no getting a refund on my ticket, I decided to take the first leg of my trip and vacation for a few days in Istanbul.<br /><br />As I arrived in the Syracuse airport for my departure, I discovered that just getting off of an already existing itinerary without continuing to ones stated destination is much more complicated than I anticipated. My initiating flight had mechanical difficulties as well grounding me in the Syracuse airport the night I was supposed to be making my trans-Atlantic flight! <br /><br />All that initial nonsense resolved itself, and I arrived yesterday afternoon in Istanbul, tired, but ready to begin my vacation. I enjoyed a lovely Turkish meal last night. Today I am hoping to get to the Blue Mosque, in between raindrops, and then to a Turkish bath! <br /><br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-50203687746655175772011-02-12T21:59:00.001-05:002011-02-12T22:02:57.891-05:00What the World Needs Now...<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal">So often my theme seems to come back to something having to do with Love.<span style=""> </span>Well, I guess as I am yet again pondering Love in our lives, my life, I am realizing that my timing couldn’t be better!<span style=""> </span>It is a word that stirs up all kinds of feelings for most of us, and in an unacknowledged way is a word that many of us avoid, and are even afraid of.<span style=""> </span>At the risk of coming off as too gender biased and political so close to Valentines Day, I will not go to the place of Love being feared because we have been so well trained to shun our more feminine side, and that from the time that boys can speak, one of the worst insults you could offer any boy would be to call him a girl, and it is the boys that grow up to become men that still have far more influence and power in shaping the world we live in.<span style=""> </span>I will not go there.<span style=""> </span>Sorry, I digress.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Love as an idea is generally exalted.<span style=""> </span>However, when it comes right down to exercising those Love muscles, and speaking openly and frankly about what would be the most Loving way to handle any given situation, why do so many people recoil?<span style=""> </span>I find myself coming to this topic because of a recent incident where I took a fall, and the person I was with had trouble offering me the appropriate care and concern in the moment.<span style=""> </span>There is not a doubt in my mind that this person cared and was concerned, but (he) had trouble making an offering.<span style=""> </span>The fall was hurtful.<span style=""> </span>It hurt my ego; it scared me, though the physical insult was mild at worst, and then there was this added layer of my friend’s awkward clumsiness.<span style=""> </span>In my efforts to be true to my most honest self, which is generally something I try very hard to honor, I decided to have the conversation about the awkward clumsiness of my friend, with him.<span style=""> </span>The conversation was slightly more skillful than the fall incident, but it still felt withheld, guarded, and like maybe it was not such a safe place to go.<span style=""> </span>The more I tried to get words of caring and concern to spill forth from his lips, the more he stayed in his safe place of, “Thank you for sharing what it was for you.” or, “I am sorry you did not feel my compassion, I thought I was…” etc.<span style=""> </span>In the end, I indeed did feel his efforts, and in knowing the effort was there, and creating greater hurt for me was absolutely not his intention, all was better…. Somewhat.<span style=""> </span>The somewhat comes, not from this specific incident, but from the realization that this issue is much bigger than my inconsequential fall.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I do understand that the difficulty that came from my fall incident has two parts.<span style=""> </span>In most simplistic terms one part is my own sensitivity to not being well enough cared for by others; the second part is (likely) my friends difficulty in feeling either safe enough, or worthy enough to make the appropriate offering.<span style=""> </span>Typically, these two parts will rule the situation, and end up developing into bigger and stronger parts for each person involved.<span style=""> </span>Over time these “parts” more and more rule who we are and how we re-act to even the simplest of situations.<span style=""> </span>So, my challenge to you, any fond reader of my Love muse this season of Valentines, is to explore the part of you that gets in the way of your being the truest expression of the Love that is all yours, all the time.<span style=""> </span>Whether it is Valentines Day, or a Grumpy Monday, whether it is with your truest Love, or with a co-worker that you secretly cannot stand, challenge yourself to Love unabashedly!<span style=""> </span>It really is what the world needs.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Love, Donna</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-8012894399894699132011-01-03T10:58:00.003-05:002011-01-04T14:03:44.040-05:00Hibernating for the Holidays!<style>@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal">Another Christmas season comes and, oh so quickly goes.<span style=""> </span>We spend weeks, and sometimes months preparing, and are given 12 days to celebrate, and yet, well before we are even half way through the 12 days, many are already bringing their trees down, ready to dispose of all the Holiday trimmings. <span style=""> </span>I am not one to make a big fuss about trimming the house in a major way for the holidays.<span style=""> </span>Just ask my kids.<span style=""> </span>We are lucky to get a tree up and decorated at all, and maybe a wreath, and that is about it.<span style=""> </span>But the metaphor of the rush to trim, the rush to take down, and the busy-ness of the season seems an apt metaphor for the general eagerness of a culture that can’t quite figure out what it means to slow down.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">This year winter came early in Central New York.<span style=""> </span>We had barely gotten through the first week of December when a major snow storm whipped up, dumping more than 4 feet of snow in as many days.<span style=""> </span>As a local in this the Snow Belt region, I was out there shoveling my way out and my clients’ way in every day, early in the morning, before the sun was fully up, making certain that life did not skip a beat on account of a silly thing like snow!<span style=""> </span>Winter is upon us, the days are getting shorter, the nights are colder and longer; it is the beginning of the season that includes many hours of darkness.<span style=""> </span>Bears, and other wise creatures who know that many hours of darkness means a suitable shift in their day to day living, begin months of hibernation.<span style=""> </span>We, as intelligent humans who are innovative and able to problem solve, heat our homes, snow blow, plow, or shovel our driveways, and miss out on this wonderful opportunity to shift from a faster pace of living to something that more resembles hibernation.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">As I was shoveling my driveway many times this December in the days before Solstice, I began to contemplate the irony of the act of shoveling, and the wisdom of the bear’s hibernation.<span style=""> </span>Mother Nature is offering us this opportunity to hunker down, get snowed in, have short days and long sleeps, and we are madly shoveling so we can continue our busy lives.<span style=""> </span>Not only are we continuing our busy lives, but we also need to hurry up and prepare for the Holidays!!<span style=""> </span>And just as the calm and quiet of the shortest day of the year arrives the madness reaches it’s peak.<span style=""> </span>Maybe we are ready, and if not we stay up long nights to make sure we are.<span style=""> </span>And then to celebrate finally we have large gatherings and do the massive work of food preparation, table setting, and clean up that exhausts us while we “vacation” from the “work” that we are usually paid for and likely behind on.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Before I begin to sound like Scrooge, I will say that I love family gatherings and the opportunity to gift and make offerings to my loved ones as much as the next person.<span style=""> </span>I cannot help however, but observe and marvel at the contrast that we create as we enter into natures’ season of slowing down that might otherwise give us an opportunity to turn inwards.<span style=""> </span>I make a point of offering myself at least a few hours of quiet alone time during the holiday season; over the years I have come to deeply appreciate this part of my holiday.<span style=""> </span>I sometimes fantasize about what the world would feel like if there were such a “Holiday” where many hours, or even days(!!) of quiet reflection were expected and placed on the world calendar with the same degree of importance as the consuming holidays that we are so accustomed to.<span style=""> </span>I cannot help but think that this is something that could go a long way towards creating space for the healing our world so badly needs.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">May the Peace of the season be with you and all of your Loved ones.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Happy New Year!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Donna</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Donna Dallal-Ferne, LMFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15262338190259991791noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-20209113164904348272010-11-27T13:30:00.000-05:002010-11-27T13:35:03.720-05:00Black Friday WeekendHere we are on Black Friday weekend. The weekend that immediately follows the holiday of it’s antithesis, Thanksgiving. In my family, we spend Thanksgiving Day with as many family members as possible, maybe invite a friend or two who might not have family nearby with whom to share a feast, and we feast. We feast on food preparation, on being together, on stories, on working together to create a food feast, and eventually on food, more food than is generally reasonable for the numbers of people seated around our table. It is a holiday that we have all come to deeply appreciate and look forward to. We feel the loss if some of the usual participants are unable to find their way to this, our most celebrated family gathering and holiday. We have all come to understand that if we have to choose to try to make it to either Thanksgiving or Christmas, we’ll try harder for Thanksgiving! It is understood that giving thanks while joining for the mere sake of gathering and appreciating one another’s company, that setting table together and sharing in the festivities of appreciating our lives that have lovingly come together by some combination of chance and effort, is enough. We appreciate, we are grateful, we share, we feast; there is contentment. <br /><br />It is my experience, in the limited world that I live in, that most people would agree with my family’s experience of Thanksgiving. The holiday of celebrating our simple abundances and the ability to break bread and carve turkey together is by far the most satisfying holiday of the year. And yet as a culture, society, and a nation, we have this phenomenon of “Black Friday”, the day that leads up to a weekend, and then a month of the most spending, shopping, and consuming of the entire year. For some reason, this year the juxtaposition of Black Friday being immediately after the day of celebrated gratitude struck me with a poignancy that I have not really appreciated quite like this before. Gratitude means: This is enough; I am happy and whole. Intense consumerism means: I need more; this is not enough, something is missing; spending money might make me happy and whole. We move from contentment to allowing ourselves to be goaded into spending, and usually spending well beyond our means. Why do we do this?? <br /><br />I suspect that the answer to this sad question lies somewhere in the depths of our truths that we don’t always share, either with ourselves or with our loved ones. We gather to commune, offer joy, thanks, and love to one another. And yet, somehow as we are expressing our thanks, voicing our gratitude, most of us still have this place of, “something’s missing”, that we can’t ever quite take care of. The market place understands this very well, and usually with a great deal of success steers us into opening up our wallets to help us find our wholeness through material gifting. It is when the marketers understand this deep hole inside of us better than we do, that we are the most vulnerable to their methods. This holiday, don’t fool yourself into believing that you are fully whole, and just need to go out of your way to overspend because it is fun and what you want to do! Take the time to understand that little something, somewhere near your heart, that needs nurturing, and challenge yourself to find ways to nurture it that won’t require you to go into deep debt! <br /><br />With love and gratitude, here’s wishing you a deeply fulfilling holiday season!<br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-60801149169808102682010-10-18T21:35:00.001-05:002010-10-18T21:38:21.276-05:00Love's CourageI went to a meeting last weekend with a group of mostly family therapists who gather and call themselves Peaceful Warriors for Social Justice. The conversation came up at that meeting about love and courage. An attendee had a previous conversation with someone, who was not at the present meeting, who suggested that courage was more important than love because without it, what is even the point of love? The conversation that ensued was interesting, most of us feeling that the absent persons opinion was somewhat flawed. I, for one, don’t really see a big separation between the two concepts, but see courage as an important aspect of love, not something that I would want to pull out and call more important. If, however, you were to argue that courage is more important because, without it there is no point in love, I would argue that love is more important because, without it there is no need for courage! Yet, both arguments then end up being pretty circular, so let’s just say love is good, partly because it keeps us strong and courageous.<br /><br />Love, we confirmed, is definitely an action verb, most of us agreeing that, as Peaceful Warriors we are called to some degree of activism in order to support and advocate for Social Justice. It was a refreshing meeting, spending extended time in the company of people comfortable talking about Love! Imagine a planet with large groups of people on all corners having hours long conversations during their weekends discussing the various aspects of love, courage, and activism towards social justice! Do you think we would be able to sustain as many wars if time off from work lead to meetings of people having such discussions and trying to figure out how to actively and courageously promote these things in the greater world??? Maybe, just maybe, we are on to something here!! <br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-27086864084960255732010-05-03T14:47:00.002-05:002010-05-03T14:51:27.953-05:00Nice GuysWhenever someone begins to proudly speak of a man that they know as a “nice guy”, internally I will raise an eyebrow and become a little concerned. What does that really mean, “nice guy”?? Frequently if you begin to poke around looking for more information, you will discover that “nice guy” is trying to mean, not a “jerk”, or “bad boy”, both of which most men are on the look out not to be, and many women are on the look out not to become involved with. <br /><br />So, what does it really mean to be a “jerk” or “bad boy”? Most people can rattle off a long list of unpleasant characteristics or behaviour patterns that are familiar and consistent with these unfortunate men. They are self-centered, inconsiderate, losers, have big egos, poor judgment, bad tempers and anger issues that sometimes erupt into violence; they often try too hard to be “macho”, and the list could go on. The real issue however, is not so different from what shapes the men who offer themselves up as “nice guys”. The sad state of affairs in the society and culture that we live in is that men are very well trained to shut themselves off from their feelings and emotions. Classically, they are not supposed to ever cry, they are not supposed to be swayed by emotion, they are supposed to be, “strong”, in all the permutations of the meaning of that word. So, “nice guys” are “strong” in that they tune out from themselves and defer to everyone else around them. “Bad boys” or “jerks” are “strong” in that they too do so well in tuning out from their emotional selves that they are also tuned out from every one else and have lost all connection of what it means to be a human being with feelings and emotions. Nice guys or bad boys have different strategies, and yet their strategies both stem from the same root.<br /><br />As I describe this, my heart sinks fearing that I will put off and deeply offend all those good guys who really do want to be “nice”. That is obviously not my intention. It is my wish to offer a more genuine approach to our humanity; whether you are man, woman, or anything in between. It is precisely in trying too hard to not have any emotion that gets both bad boys and nice guys into the same kind of trouble. This is possibly a long way around challenging what it really means to be nice. Too often people think they are being “nice” if they defer to someone else. Deferring may temporarily avoid a conflict or small dispute, but it is not always the most honest response that could be offered to a situation. Eventually it catches up with us showing up as consequences that, in the end, are not so nice. And, even if in any particular situation the ending does not turn out terribly, if you are trying to forge relationship with someone by not disclosing your truth, is that really the nicest way to offer yourself up? In many ways a nice guys deference is just the flip side of the behaviour of a “jerk” or bad boy”. The common denominator becomes the significant difficulty that prevents honest disclosure, in small and not such small situations. When emotions are squandered, unaccounted for, flattened, or denied, inevitably they will show up somewhere. Possibly as anger, resentment, or cut off from people; sometimes as illness; sometimes as acting out with poor, unskillful, and even violent behaviours; sometimes merely as confusion or a general feeling of discontent. So be careful of either creating yourself as too nice, or of encouraging others in your life to be “nice”. Better yet: rethink nice. Maybe it really is “nice” to risk a conflict in the name of honesty.<br /><br />I would like to offer that this issue is not a purely gendered issue unique to men. There is a truth however, to the extent to which men are encouraged and well trained in denying themselves that creates a setting that encourages the very difficult pattern I have described here. This is a topic worthy of much greater space and of broad exploration.<br /><br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-86153429027441959462010-02-16T00:28:00.002-05:002010-02-16T00:32:30.608-05:00Yoga On and Off the MatIn a recent yoga class the teacher invited those who “have their certificate” to take themselves up into a headstand. The “certificate” is his playful way of suggesting that he doesn’t want to be around for crashes, especially in a big class. Those who don’t have their certificate should find a modification, something leading up to or suggesting a headstand. So, on this particular day I was feeling rather daring, and actually took myself up, or almost up, both feet off the ground, second leg not quite all the way to perpendicular, without going over to my standard friendly wall spotter. <br /><br />In conversation with a yogi friend, I expressed delight with myself over this accomplishment, and he offered that for him the headstand was, “more about fear than skill”. This got me to thinking about what it is beyond skill that gets in my way. I deeply understand that the postures I play with on my yoga mat, are about so much more than what I do on the mat, but follow me in my life off of the mat as well. So, in entertaining this conversation with others, I humbly acknowledged that for me what gets in the way of headstand, and many other things on and off the mat, is not skill, but a big dose of self-doubt as well as issues with “core strength”. Again, I re-visit the ways I get so deeply drawn to my yoga practice. It is such a safe and reassuring way to contradict my deepest personal struggles. If I have a fight with core strength out in the "real world", it is likely over something that will truly have a significant consequence, like figuring out how much to assert myself with a client, colleague, or family member. If I struggle with core strength on my mat, all I have to do is figure out that maybe the second leg will only make it part way up today, but Hey! I no longer need that wall prop I so depended on forever and ever. If that is the case, maybe, just maybe I can take my levels of self-doubt down a notch next time I am face to face in one of my more challenging relationships! And, I do find that the more I play with some of my doubts, fears, and other agitations on the mat, the more I can make the connections elsewhere. The rewards of practice follow me both on and off the mat.<br /><br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7521676597484977962.post-49103541502980977302010-01-01T16:16:00.002-05:002010-01-01T16:20:36.512-05:00Loving my New Years Resolutions:As I contemplate the New Year and the mini hype that I have observed some make about the New Decade, yet again I consider what I want for and from myself in the year ahead. Even as I sit down late in the day on the First of January, I can already begin beating myself up for being “late” in posting a New Years message. No more of that. No more kicking and getting down on myself. My New Years, yes New Decade Resolution is to fully and completely love myself, embrace all my flaws and weaknesses, offer myself all the best I can possibly give myself in my effort to take responsibility for peace in my small corner of the world. Yes <span style="font-weight:bold;">Peace</span>, not selfish indulgence, which is what it just might sound like to some. <br /><br />Think about it for just a moment. If you can offer yourself complete and full loving, all those wonderful virtuous New Years Resolutions that sometimes sound punishing might just happen by default. After all, if you truly love yourself would you go out and ingest all kinds of fatty, sugary, and intoxicating substances into your precious body? Would you become lazy about offering yourself an appropriate exercise routine? Would you become sloppy and inefficient about getting your work done that you know is the source of your life’s income and sustenance? Would you deprive yourself of nurturance in the hopes that someone other than yourself might accept the role of being called upon to know you as well as or better than you do, and give that person responsibility for nurturing you to your complete satisfaction? Likely not. And, you likely would not make choices for yourself that were distasteful and felt tortuous to follow through with either. <br /><br />So here is my invitation for you to offer yourself New Years Resolutions of Pure Love. Indulge yourself with as much love as you would offer your own child. As I think I have said before on this page, “You are your own first child.” If we all lived our lives loving ourselves with the same loving intention that we offer our children, I believe that the grown ups in the world would be a happier, more content, lot of people. Relationships would be easier. Instead of demanding that our partners and other loved ones in our lives fill all our needy, wounded, sad, grieving hearts, we would be given the latitude to do that for ourselves. From there we would come into relationship more whole and fully available to give, offer, and receive love from a more honest and accessible place. So, close your eyes for a moment, and offer yourself a fantasy of what the world would look like if everyone in it could offer to their self the very love that we spend our lives seeking from people places and things outside of ourselves. Picture the “Peace on Earth”, and “Good Will towards Man (and Woman!) Kind” that would ensue. Go ahead, it really is OK. Breathe into that fantasy, and now decide that you will do your part by offering yourself all the Love that is there, ready and waiting for you, accessible as soon as you say yes to yourself. May you look ahead to the year, decade, and many years and decades to come, with an abundance of love and hope for yourself and the world you live in!<br />Donna<div class="blogger-post-footer">Donna Dallal-Ferne, MA, Yoga Instructor, LMT</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1