Again. As with most true wisdom, the directive is
very simply laid out, but not so simple to truly understand or live. So often people come in precisely because of
how difficult and hurtful their lives are feeling, and precisely because they
are taking so much in their relational lives personally. It may be a bit insensitive to just tell
them: “Don’t take it personally; you need to get over it.” The underlying truth that I understand
however, is that when you take the offense that is offered, intentionally or
not, personally, you are giving in to the vulnerability of the other person. This is where we all tend to get
confused. As an example, a young woman
came to me recently speaking of a very small conflict with her boyfriend. She asked him a question, he answered her,
she misunderstood, and didn’t follow through with the relatively simple
information he had offered her; she asked again, and then he responded to her
sharply. The follow up was awkward
silence, followed by a more serious with holding of conversation, and confusion
on both of their parts. Why should this
have been so upsetting? Why is this
hurtful?
Anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship, and it
does not need to be a committed couple relationship, recognizes this
scene. Very simple, and seemingly
benign misunderstandings, and the fall out becomes so much more than what would
seem to be warranted. The reason for the
hurt and confusion is inevitably so much more about themselves than it is about
the other person. She needed to be more
certain of herself, that her initial question and confusion was not a big deal,
not a statement about her worth or intelligence. He needed to be less rigid about her getting
it exactly right the first time, probably also an indication of some of his own
self-doubts.
I’ll offer also that the second part of trying not to take
anything personally is listening.
Listening broadly and expansively.
Listening to words that are being said, of course; but also listening to
body language and temperament, of the speaker, and of yourself. When listening is deep and thoughtful, you
can hear the story so much more completely.
And, from there you can understand that the hurt that is being felt is
not just yours, but the other persons also.
This is the key to not taking it personally. Getting defended becomes so much less
necessary. It is no longer a pointing
the fingers blame game. Now you have two
human beings who have their own separate histories and their own situational
triggers. That is really what
relationship offers us, this beautiful opportunity to go into our triggers with
someone who will offer us a degree of safety.
Fear creates the need to shut down, respond sharply, or blame someone
else. A safe loving relationship offers
the opportunity to see the vulnerability in our self and in our partner, and
through that sharing offer each other the healing of compassion and
understanding. Donna
