One of the challenges, or possibly in turns,
indulgences, of being a therapist is the absolute necessity of doing the work
oneself. Right. I must figure out how to become the client. I have
understood this requirement of my chosen field from well before I entered
graduate school. And, as I have progressed through school, and some years
through working with clients, multiple trainings, etc. this essential aspect
has only been confirmed and re-confirmed. I have taken the responsibility
of, "doing the work", very seriously and could tell some pretty
interesting stories about what that means in terms of encounters with other
therapists. Very delicate business, being a therapist in search of a therapist.
Suffice to say that I have figured out at the very least that I am not going to
hire locally. So, I have discovered some
locals willing to do co-therapy with me, who are actually very good counselors,
though not formally trained therapists (thank you to the amazing RC community in
Syracuse, NY, and to my favorite local kindergarten teacher and counselor!). And, when I need a more formally trained
therapist, I have found myself, on the road.
Going on the road, and paying top dollar for therapy can be a bit risky. And when it doesn’t work; very
disappointing. Though, it absolutely
beats firing your local small town colleagues!
After
having recently attended a professional workshop, I decided that the presenter
might just be a good person to approach to help me satisfy my longing to
experience really good professional therapy.
Not being entirely certain how he would feel about taking me on as a
client, with some trepidation, I asked.
And so it begins, the edging of personal and professional. He affirms that indeed it would be fine. Do I use my personal or professional
email? Do I intercept our client
therapist sessions, with therapist therapist questions? All of a sudden I am really a client. It was such a fascinating shift to move from
never really feeling quite safe enough, to finally actually allowing a
therapeutic relationship to happen. I do
know what a good therapeutic relationship feels like on the therapists end, but
now all of a sudden, I am a real client.
What to do! Nothing to do but to
drink it in. And so I do, for three 2
hour sessions in the space of three days.
A little like being on a retreat, I knew I was going to be in for a bit
of intensity. And yet, as on retreat,
you can never really know what will come of it, until it comes.
Some
highlights:
This
huge sense and depth of feeling my looooonnnnnging. Words cannot even describe, and I am not even
sure I have fully wrapped myself around this.
But, I have a serious and deep respect for what longing is, and the many
dimensions of its existence in my life.
Not the least of which, it has no doubt made the search for the right
therapist an important quest.
Enormous
respect for my clients. All of a sudden
being a real client, and this is not to say I have never before been a real
client, I have. But now as a therapist
having gone on this quest, I feel like I have a much greater appreciation for
the courage, dedication, and hard work that my clients do. I would always say that I love my clients,
have tremendous respect and gratitude for them, but there is something very
humbling that happens as I myself experience getting it right with a colleague,
that deepens my appreciation for my clients.
Anyone’s clients for that matter.
Depth
of understanding how interwoven I am with the fabric of who my parents are: In these few hours of therapy, who my parents
are, and how their and my woundedness intertwines was offered up on a very
pretty silver platter.
An
affirmation of myself as a therapist. It
was comforting to receive from a practitioner who created space for me,
similarly to how I believe I create space for my clients, and to feel the
warmth, nurturance, and safety from that space.
Deeper
understandings of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), both as a recipient and a practitioner. EMDR was an important part of these sessions,
and a significant part of what I was experiencing and observing, as both client
and therapist.
Finally: Having
traveled a distance, I was lucky enough to find a cabin on a lake to stay in
for a couple of nights. There was a row
boat at this cabin. My previous
experience with row boats has been minimal, but very pleasant and happy. This time around, as I went to get in the
boat, I found myself getting confused about how to sit, how to orient the oars,
and how to create that wonderful easy row boat experience. Before I could even get in the boat, I had already
bailed about 6” of water out of it; after having made that effort, I was not
going to allow a bit of confusion to defeat me.
I got out, went back up to the cabin, found a picture on the internet to
orient myself, went back down, got back in, and off I went. The ride was not perfectly smooth, but there
were many metaphors playing in my head, about the nature of my life, my getting
to that beautiful spot, and not really quite understanding how to fully work
with it. I had a very lovely, short and
somewhat clumsy ride in my boat. Saw a
couple of loons and heard their gorgeous song, and went back to my cabin
satisfied, knowing that the ride is never quite the dream you think it will be,
but it is still my ride.
Donna
