Hurt

I sometimes struggle with how to make this blog both personal and professional. So, here goes yet another attempt.

A wounded heart, “Hurt”, happens when we take things personally. An adage that I have come to deeply appreciate in the work that I do with clients, is: “Never take anything personally”. The question becomes, how can you not? As a resilient, graceful, self-aware individual, you just might be able to pull it off, but alas, we are not always so well poised. When someone does something to hurt you, it is inevitably because they are not paying attention to a situation, or to themselves, and therefore the insult is handed to you, but really a function of where that person is, and of their own Hurt. The inflicted hurt (upon you) usually comes either from a relationship where you believe the other person cares about you, and you would not, therefore, expect an intentional hurt being thrown your way, or from something that someone says carelessly, that you might bring more meaning to than what was actually intended, in their unskillful carelessness. And now, a difficult cycle has begun. Someone with unawares or in carelessness has flung some ugliness around; you’re hurt; you sling it back at the offender; they’re now hurt again, and more deeply than they were when they first threw the insult your way; they now either fling it back again, Even Worse, or become defended and denying, making your original hurt even More Worse, and on and on. What to do??!!

So yes, I did. I got myself into one of these little cycles recently. Being the evolved, self-aware therapist that I like to think of myself as, I thought to myself, I will not sling back to the offender who threw out to me. I know better. I will express my Feelings; I will Explain how and why I was hurt. Well, the difference was a mere splitting of hairs, and off we went into our little cycles. And to the credit of both of us, I think we are hanging in pretty well, at least for the moment. Despite our imperfect attempt at being evolved mature beings who never take anything personally, there does seem to be an understanding that we’ve tried to do it right, and that even underneath the ignorance of slinging hurts at each other, there is ultimately an obvious element of caring between us.

So here’s where I get to go a little professional in my thinking about this. I have heard many people, this friend included, clients, various other friends, and family members plea to me: “Does there always have to be so much analysis?” Can’t we just live and let live? Does there always have to be something underlying? And my compassionate response is generally, yes, you are right, there really are moments when you just live and let live. But deeper inside somewhere, I tend to always question that response, and wonder if I am really being honest. So, here’s a more genuine (from my perspective) answer to that question. In any given moment of interacting with someone, hopefully you are not staring at that person, wondering what awful childhood history they might have that is going to make it impossible to tell them the simplest thing about what you might be having for dinner that night. Right, I think we’ve all got that. However, when the conversation with people gets beyond the mere superficial, if you have not done enough of your own “homework”, and have a fairly honest sense (can be read here as “analysis”) of what does and doesn’t feel so good for you personally, it will be that much more difficult to really get it right with someone when you most want to. That is, the more personal analysis, exploration, self-awareness, what ever it is you want to call it, that you can tolerate, the more you will be ready when conversations get beyond the superficial with the people you care the most about.

Frequently on this page, I have accused myself of always bringing the conversation back to Love. Well, here I go again. In order to be able to do that difficult self-work, and hence to tolerate it, we have to be able to see our own hurts with loving compassion, not blame ourselves, and ultimately be open to the fact of and depth of, our own hurts. The resistance to acknowledging all of that keeps us away from both knowing and loving ourselves. That very knowing and loving of oneself is the crucial place from which empathy for another begins. And, I would suggest that empathy is some of the most fertile ground from which loving relationships begin. So yes, figuring out, understanding, growing in self-awareness, being courageous enough to do that work is fundamental to growing healthy and satisfying love relationships. It is an ongoing life long process that is never complete. And so long as we are living in relationship, and have not isolated ourselves from the rest of humanity, it is the essence from which we not only are able to do relationship well, but from which we further grow and know ourselves better. So that scary question, “Does it always have to be so much analysis?” becomes less scary, and it just happens. Not the answer most of the world wants to hear. But from where I sit, it just is; the fabric of our being, the fabric of honesty, and the fabric of love.

Donna

Valentine's Day

Over the years I have never made much of a fuss over Valentine’s Day, but I do enjoy watching people put on their red, and try extra hard to put Love and Loving a little more in their focus. And, as a single woman in my 50’s, it does warm my heart that my father still is around and very faithfully remembers to send me a Valentine’s message every year, without fail. It is nice to know that there is someone out there whose heart still beats for me!

This morning’s yoga poem that I stumbled upon, amongst my complete collection of Danna Faulds, and read to my faithful small morning yoga class, was particularly perfect for Valentine’s Day. I could not have chosen a more perfect selection if I had tried!

From her collection, From Root to Bloom: Yoga Poems and Other Writings

There Is Love Here

I feel the warm

embrace of spirit

flowing into me

from somewhere

I can’t see. There

is love here, arising

inside me as naturally

as the sky brightens

before dawn – love

enough to fill all of us,

and more besides.

The spontaneous grace

of the divine is moving

through the universe,

unfazed by fear or

obstacles of any kind.

Yes, it’s clear

there is love here.

May all of you sweet blog readers be touched by love that is here and there and everywhere, Always!

Happy Valentine’s Day. Today and every day, feel the Love!

Donna

Posture metaphors and Handstand

One of my favorite metaphors that many yoga teachers offer during Warrior 2 relates to not only obtaining balance through good alignment in the posture, but likening that balance to how we position ourselves in our lives. So, if you can picture warrior 2: front leg with your knee offering a right angle between the thigh and calf, thigh bone parallel to the earth, back leg with the pinky toe side of your foot offering your anchor into the mat; head, neck, and torso perpendicular to the horizon, creating a plum line from the crown of your head down through your groins dropping into a spot just about equidistant between your feet. Arms are at shoulder height spread out with the front arm in line with the front leg, back arm in line with your back leg. Warrior’s gaze is forward, looking out over the front arm, while your torso is in the side plane of your body. Hmmmm…. I should figure out how to import a drawing of it. It sounds much more complicated than it is. Warrior two is a very solid stable posture. The language that I love that teachers use refers to the back leg representing our past, and all that is behind us, our memories, all of what we carry with us, good and bad; it brings us to where we are today. The front leg represents where we are heading, our goals, the future. And the torso, where the balance of the posture is kept is the immediate present moment. The dynamic of this posture is held by the solidity of the core, being totally present while at the same time there is no escaping the attention that must be given to past and future, because the stance holds it’s foundational footing in both of these, while the core reminds us that to be balanced, we must keep our core, our center, focused and centered, very present. It is a beautiful metaphor. Especially as a teacher, as you bring your gaze around to a room full of yogis and yoginis taking the posture, and observe how people find their “balance” in various gestures of imbalance. Understanding the metaphor, and watching people leaning into their past or future, I get a tender feeling, that I am in a room full of sacred beings mindfully accessing themselves. Watching a class as each of the participants focuses and draws themselves into the posture, witnessing the introspection as it finds it’s perfectly imperfect solid stance, holding sacred lives in the balance is extraordinary and humbling.

What does all of this have to do with handstand? Handstand is one of my challenge postures. It frequently feels like I have a love hate relationship with it. Though, I will generally speak of handstand very fondly. And yet, as I think of the Warrior 2 metaphor, I begin to have an even deeper appreciation of why handstand offers the challenge that it does. There’s no back leg or arm, no front leg or arm, just straight up pure and solid. And, Upside down. And then we balance on what? The smallest flat surface available…. our hands! All yoga postures bring us to challenge by finding balance through some combination of strength and flexibility. If there is not enough flexibility, the necessary alignment in order to create balance will not be found. If there is not enough strength, we will not be able to hold or sustain our balance in the posture. So yes, even handstand which is a very powerful posture requiring a lot of strength, must keep it’s delicate balance through a stance of being totally present in the here and now. The power of understanding that and the contrast that handstand offers in comparison to any of the warrior postures has been very striking to me recently. So when I take the three elements that are required to achieve a posture: balance, strength, and flexibility, and then I humbly observe myself as I fumble intermittently with something that I know I basically have what it takes to kick myself up into (at a wall mind you, you will not see me doing handstand in the middle of a room without another human being spotting me in this life time!) again, I witness myself and draw the metaphor into my present life, and realize: Yes, I should be practicing a little more deeply, and a little more diligently. The ah-ha comes however, from realizing, that despite the growth I have achieved over the years in my practice, I can still easily slip out of being able to access a posture that I know is a lot stronger than what it was the first time I kicked up into it. And, it doesn’t have anything to do with how strong or how flexible I am. It has everything to do with my getting purely balanced and keeping my focus present. Maybe, just maybe if I brought some more due diligence to meditation, I would have the presence needed to balance the strength and flexibility that I know are available to me.

Donna

Preferences, No?

Those of us who live and wander in the yoga world, I think sometimes get so full of ourselves that we begin to think that we should or could actually become enlightened! We go to yoga class regularly, have our own home practice, meditate, never judge other people or ourselves, and we have no preferences. Ok, Ok, maybe I sound a little full of myself right now. But seriously, what would it be to have no preferences, or to be an enlightened being? No preferences, quite possibly is offered as a direction rather than something to actually achieve. However, even as a direction, it is so unattainable, it seems that it may serve us better as a reminder that we live here on this physical plane in material form so that we can learn something about how to live an earthly life with ego and personality actually intact, from the place of our individual differences. Balance, everything always comes back to Balance. Those beautiful yoga poses that challenge, always seem to throw us off balance, reminding us that that is the reason we found our way to a yoga studio in the first place. A life skillfully lived finds the balance between resisting the temptations the ego dangles in front of us while, allowing all of our very unique imperfections. It is when we can offer ourselves the truth of temptations, imperfections, and yes, even our desire to judge; see these, embrace them, and not feel threatened by them that the balancing act, on and off the mat becomes so much more attainable. When we awaken to the truth of what makes and creates us the mortal imperfect beings that we are, it is then that the desperate need to control falls back, and we can enjoy a life floating from one balancing act to another from a stance of easeful contentment, even if we sometimes trip and fall. Donna

Update to my last post

The memorial concert of Mozart's Requiem, after having to get picked up off the floor heroically by our director, Chuck Schneider, is still happening, but with a change or two due to the financial distresses of the times: Instead of taking place at the historic Stanley Theater in Utica, NY, it will now be taking place at the historic Grace Church, also in Downtown Utica, NY. Grace Church is equally as beautiful, but not nearly as large, so arrive early to guarantee yourself seating! Also, the time has been moved up to 3:00 PM, on Sunday September 11, not 4:30, as posted below. And, instead of being accompanied by Chuck's select orchestra from the various local orchestra's in upstate NY, we will now be accompanied by renowned pianist, Andrew Russo, also an incredibly talented musician from the Central New York area. We have down scaled and down sized, but it will still be a beautiful event worth your while. Please Come!!
Donna

A couple of Announcements

KIRTAN! In my home yoga studio on Saturday July 30th 7:30 PM with Michelle Angel. I understand that part of what she will bring to this event will be a trio of large gongs to create a "gong bath"!! If you find yourself in the greater Syracuse area, and are interested in attending, contact me and I'll help you get there. You can go to my web page at www.changeinmotionhealingarts.com to contact me.

Laughter Yoga: I am now leading the 8:00 laughter yoga line at 8:00 AM Eastern Time on Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday mornings, while Rebecca Foster takes a smiling breather from doing this every single day for something well over 2 years. If you would like to laugh with me dial into the line at: 712-432-3900; when prompted touch in: 6071292# If you want to laugh at other than 8:00 in the morning, you can dial into this line every single day at the top of 14 out of 24 hours every day and laugh with lots of different laughter leaders for anywhere from 12-20 minutes: Go to www.laughteryogaamerica.com for more information.

9-11 10th year Anniversary Memorial concert at the Stanley Theater in Utica, NY on Sunday September 11, at 4:30 PM, under the direction of Charles Schneider. We will be singing Mozart's Requiem. Several choral groups from the greater Utica area are joining voices for this event. You will see me in the alto section standing (singing!) with my mother and my aunt!!

Donna

Lessons in Buying a Used Car!

A lot of energy has been spent in the last month or more in finding and acquiring a used car for my daughter, who has been living in Africa for the last six months. She will be coming back State side soon, about to enter graduate school at Cornell. Ithaca is a very cool small city, that caters well to it’s large college population, but is still enough of a small city, that having a car will be quite useful for little things, like finding ones way down the hill to the other side of town to shop at the “Green Star”, local food co-op, and making the hour long trip home every now and again.

Many lessons learned in the process of purchasing this car. First and foremost, just because the car sales man who happens to be representing a private seller, isn’t selling the car through his dealership, doesn’t mean he isn’t still basically a car sales man. Second: If you are going to buy a car long distance, make sure that the third party mechanic you hire sees the car a minimum of two weeks before you fly so that you won’t be stuck with a non-refundable plane ticket the day before you travel to pick up the car! Third: Remember the first lesson, and don’t be fooled into thinking that guy that is still basically a car sales man is a nice guy just because he has a friendly sounding, almost southern drawl. Fourth: Recognize that even if you get a good deal, which is difficult to truly do when you are buying a used car, NY State will make sure to worsen the deal when you go to register the car and end up paying an additional 8% to NY State in sales tax! Can’t touch all the corporate and wealthy America tax breaks and loop-holes, but let’s tax everyone who finds themselves buying a used car; at 8%. Fifth: If you happen to find yourself in the Dept. of Motor Vehicles on the Tuesday after a long holiday weekend to register your used car, bring a small novel to read, and expect to finish it!

All’s well that ends well. It is a nice little Gulf TDI, a perfect grad student car. And will blend well with all the throw back hippies still living in Ithaca!

Donna